


i slithered here from eden just to sit outside your door

by dartmouth420



Series: break up with ur girlfriend [3]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Sashea, Belligerent Sexual Tension, Body Language, Closeted Character, Eventual Smut, F/F, Falling In Love, First Meetings, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian AU, Mild age gap, Mutual Pining, Polyamory Negotiations, Porn with Feelings, Religious Conflict, Slow Burn, The Smut starts in Chapter 5, are we sensing a theme, background bitney, hence the hozier lyrics, lowkey rescue mission, manipulative and controlling parents, this started out so chill and ended up so dramatic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:48:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26707000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dartmouth420/pseuds/dartmouth420
Summary: Set four years before the events of 'break up with ur girlfriend, im bored' this is the story of how Raja and Manila first met and the rocky beginning of their relationship. Raja and Manila meet at the club, and Raja has exactly one thing in mind. However, Manila has a toxic home life that makes dating her seem next to impossible... but leaving each other alone is more difficult than either of them bargained for.Can be read as a standalone.
Relationships: Sutan Amrull | Raja/Manila Luzon
Series: break up with ur girlfriend [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1879315
Comments: 30
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HOZIER LYRICS BITCH! anyway let's abandon raven and do a full on rajila throwback and it's going to be a stupid rollercoaster of awkwardness, feelings, porn and dumbassery like everything else in this series that keeps expanding beyond my control lmao enjoy <3
> 
> please heed the tags. this story explores some more serious themes that are implied in the previous works in the series but are major plot and character points in this one. i'll add chapter-specific warnings in the notes.

Raja sipped her drink and looked out at the dance floor as loud music played in the darkened club. Next to her at their table, Bianca smirked and nudged her. 

"Gonna get some tonight, bitch?" asked Bianca.

"You know it," replied Raja smugly.

Bianca laughed and picked up her phone as the notification dinged. It must be Courtney, the Australian blonde who Bianca was currently seeing, given the speed at which Bianca typed out a reply.

Bianca was an excellent wingwoman and one of Raja's best friends. They'd known each other forever and had managed to stay friends through the tumultuousness of adulthood. This was largely by the virtue of the fact that they'd never been attracted to each other.

Since the end of her last relationship, two years ago, Raja had been going through what Bianca described as _a slutty phase._ Raja herself described it as a time of _self-rediscovery,_ a time to focus on her career, herself, her life goals… and maybe have some casual sex.

So Raja ran a hand through her just-above-the-shoulder-length, mostly-still-black hair and surveyed the dance floor. It was still early, there weren't that many people out yet. 

In the middle of the floor was a young woman dancing with unbridled enthusiasm to a Robyn song. Raja's shook her head sympathetically. Poor thing, must be already drunk.

Raja watched her, while Bianca's eyes remained glued to her phone. The young woman didn't actually seem drunk. She wasn't stumbling or off balance, she was just moving happily in the thin crowd. Her beautiful black curly hair was held back with a clip and she wore a pale purple blouse and a black skirt that looked it like belonged to an office worker. Huh. As a fashion aficionado Raja couldn't help but judge. 

"Look at her," said Raja, nudging Bianca. 

Bianca looked up and commented, "God, another drunk straight girl? Where's the rest of the bachelorette party?"

There was a tendency for straight women to come out to gay clubs in large, loud, drunken groups, but as far as Raja knew this particular queer venue hadn't caught onto their radar quite yet. 

"No, look at her, she's not drunk and she's alone," said Raja, her curiosity piqued. The young woman moved to the song, twisting her hips and shoulders, dancing like… well, as the saying went, like nobody was watching. Just moving and having fun. It was charming… and she was pretty cute. 

Bianca rolled her eyes, "Bitch, you're gonna hit on the _one straight girl?_ There's like twenty women here you could get into bed with you tonight, guaranteed."

"Ah, go back to texting Courtney," replied Raja, standing up and draining her drink, eyes remaining on the young woman on the dance floor, "I'm gonna go see what her deal is."

"Good luck… "

Raja smoothed down her masculine, vertically-striped button-up shirt, ensuring she looked right. Raja knew her own appeal; she was tall, androgynous and confident. Women had a tendency to melt over her.

Raja moved onto the dance floor, smoothly navigating the thin crowd until she neared the young woman, who was cutting loose with confident fluidity to the pop anthem currently playing. A couple of other people were giving her odd, amused looks. 

With a graceful movement, Raja shifted in front of her, catching the young woman's attention. The young woman gave her a beautiful smile, dimples in her cheeks. Wow. Raja smiled back, matching the woman's energy with her own cool, confident movements. They danced near each other for a few moments, and the young woman seemed to be responding positively, continuing to vibe with goofy energy. But Raja couldn't quite get a read on whether or not she was interested. Usually women in the club made it pretty obvious, especially when someone like Raja approached them… 

Raja shifted in closer until they were almost touching, and the young woman paid attention, her movements slowing a little as she faced her. Raja touched her hand, brushing their fingers together. The young woman but didn't pull away, in fact she shifted a little closer.

Raja decided to be bold, moving in and gently touching her waist. 

The young woman's expression tightened, and she stepped back, brushing Raja's hands off.

Huh. That was a clear rejection, and Raja certainly wasn't going to bother someone who wasn't interested. Raja nodded respectfully and turned away to leave, but the young woman stepped back into her path.

"Uh, sorry, do you just wanna dance?" said the young woman, standing up on her toes to shout into Raja's ear over the music. 

So, she wasn't being rejected? Raja shrugged and found herself rather pleased as the smile returned to the young woman's face and she let loose again. Raja joined her, keeping more of a distance, grooving to club remixes of pop anthems and trying to figure out what this woman's deal was. Was she straight? Was she already in a relationship? Was she just here to dance, alone? The young woman let her hair out of it's clip, the long black curls cascading over shoulders and bouncing as she moved. 

Raja was definitely interested, because this girl was unlike anyone she'd encountered before. Not dressed at all like a club-goer, totally unselfconscious in her dancing, friendly but oddly skittish… after another few minutes Raja leaned in to speak into her ear.

"Hey, can I buy you a drink?"

"Uh, yeah sure!" said the young woman, hesitant.

More mixed signals. But Raja's frustration hadn't overwhelmed her curiosity, so she led the woman off the dance floor over to the bar where it was quieter. Raja flagged down the bartender, then turned to her and asked, "What are you drinking tonight?"

"Water."

Raja blinked in surprise, "Really?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, uh," said Raja awkwardly, turning back to the bartender, "I'll get a gin and tonic, and she'll have a… water. I guess. Or soda?"

"Sprite's good."

Raja relayed the order to the bartender, and then turned back to the young woman, cocking her head to one side as she looked her over. Everything about her was contradictory, every time Raja thought she'd figured her out she was the opposite of her assumptions. 

"I'm Raja, by the way," offered Raja. 

"That's a beautiful name," said the young woman, with a lovely smile, "I'm Manila."

Manila. Raja rolled the name around in her mind for a moment, and found she liked it.

"So are you here alone?"

"Yeah. You?"

"With a friend," replied Raja, motioning over at Bianca, who sat where Raja had left her, eyes still glued to her phone.

Manila nodded, then smiled and thanked the bartender as the drinks came over. Manila clinked their glasses together with a friendly laugh and sipped at her Sprite. 

"Do you come here often?" asked Manila.

"I'm sort of a regular," replied Raja flirtatiously, testing the waters. Manila was all over the place, confident one minute and hesitant the next.

"It's my first time here."

"Yeah, I can tell," teased Raja, "I take it you don't get out much?"

Manila frowned, eyebrows coming together, and she let out a frustrated sigh. 

"Uh, not really, I-"

"I was just teasing you," said Raja quickly, "It's alright if you're… new or whatever-"

"No, it's not that-"

They lapsed into awkward silence, and Raja wondered to herself for the fifth time if this was worth it. Like Bianca had said, there were multiple other people here who Raja could hit on… 

"I just, um, I like to go out to dance, sometimes," said Manila, crossing her arms defensively.

"Yeah, of course," replied Raja, bewildered, "I mean me too, doesn't everyone?"

Manila laughed at that, and took another drink of her Sprite and shrugged, "Yeah, I guess so. Normal people, at least."

Huh. Well, Raja seemed to be back in her good graces. She turned the conversation to music, because she was certain they could find common ground there. But Manila just didn't seem to know much, her expression blank as Raja listed some of the groups and artists she liked, getting more and more mainstream with increasing distress until finally…

"Oh yeah, I've heard of Madonna!" said Manila, with a smile, "Yeah, I don't know much of her stuff, but what I've liked what I've heard!"

Raja loved Madonna with a kind of hero-worship that only someone who's adolescent sexual awakening had been fuelled by _Vogue, Like a Prayer_ and _S.E.X._ could. What kind of a rock did Manila live under that she'd only barely heard of Madonna?

"Uh yeah, _pretty cool_ is an understatement," said Raja, "How about you? What do you like?"

Manila listed some classic 60s and 70s stuff, including certain artists that veered far closer into the country genre than Raja was typically comfortable with. Nothing contemporary. That seemed odd, but then again people had unusual tastes and everything about Manila screamed odd. But charming nonetheless, even disarming, as Raja gently mocked Manila for having the music taste of a white dad at a barbecue. Manila laughed, rolled her eyes and sipped at her Sprite. Raja watched her play with the straw and wondered what it might be like to kiss her.

Manila took her phone out of her pocket and checked the time, and then said hurriedly, "Oh I'm sorry, I have to get going… "

It was still pretty early in Raja's opinion, but she said, "Okay cool, no worries."

"It was really nice to meet you," said Manila, with an earnest expression, "Really, I just-" she motioned vaguely in the direction of the exit, "I have to go. It's stupid, but my mom will hassle me if I'm out too late-"

Her _what now-_

"Wait," said Raja, freezing in place, " _How old are you?_ "

Manila burst into laughter, touching Raja's arm. Raja wanted to pull away, frantically hoping Manila wasn't a teenager who'd somehow snuck into this club because that was about to get _very awkward-_

"I'm twenty-four," said Manila, still laughing, "It's a long story..."

Raja let out a sigh of relief and managed an awkward smile. There was probably some kind of reasonable explanation for that. Maybe Manila was just in town over the weekend, for example, staying with family. Or she might be a broke student… 

"Anyway," said Raja, with a suggestive shrug, "Let me give you my number."

"Okay!" said Manila, all smiles as she took her phone out. 

Raja listed the digits and Manila typed them in and then said goodbye again. She turned and left without giving Raja a hug or anything, which, well, Raja might have been hoping for but eh, whatever. Raja wandered back to the table to find Bianca, who still had her nose in her phone.

"So you're not going home with that straight girl?" teased Bianca, looking up.

"I don't think she's straight," replied Raja, sitting down and sipping at her drink. All the ice had melted and it was watery, "Well… I don't know, she was really weird-"

"Did you get her number?"

"I gave her mine."

"Rookie mistake," snarked Bianca, "Now the ball's in her court. Bitch, you gotta keep the ball."

Raja took the teasing, still picturing Manila in her mind's eye. Her hair, her beautiful face, her ridiculous purple blouse, the odd contradiction in everything she did, almost like she was fighting herself… 

Bianca snapped her fingers in front of Raja's face.

"Hey!" yelped Raja.

"That girl really threw you for a loop, huh?"

"Maybe…"

"Alright, bitch, down to business," said Bianca, reaching over to get her purse, "I'm ready to leave so are you sharing a cab with me or are you staying here to try to score?"

Raja gazed out at the dance floor. It was much fuller than it had been, the night was really only hitting it's peak now but… well, no one really looked particularly interesting to her at the moment. 

"I'm tired, I'll share your cab."

They got up and left, Bianca fussing with her coat and Raja nudging her until they were out in the street before hailing a cab and piling in. They didn't live far from one another and it made for a convenient shared ride. 

Raja felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She took it out and saw a text message from an unknown number. 

_Hi, it's Manila :)_

"Ha!" exclaimed Raja, that third gin and tonic suddenly hitting her as she showed Bianca her phone, giddy, "Look bitch, she texted me already!"

Bianca narrowed her eyes and glared at Raja's phone for a moment, and then looked back up, "Damn, so she did. She must like your wrinkly greying ass…"

"Ah, shut up," replied Raja, putting her phone back in her pocket with a smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> raja's friends give her a hard time. manila opens up a little bit more about her home life. raja attempts to make a responsible choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dartmouth420 fun fact: there is nothing i love more than writing awkward conversations.

_hey manila, do you have any free time this week?_

Raja sent off the text, put her phone down and tried to refocus on her computer at work. She'd continued to think about Manila over the past few days after her night out at the club, but she'd waited to text her back. As Bianca would say, she'd kept the ball in her court.

Raja narrowed her eyes at the scanned sketches sitting in front of her. Ugh, they were mostly ugly. Raja worked for a big fashion label and knew she'd have to do mock-ups of them anyway, because the person who worked above her was lousy at his job. Hopefully he'd quit or be let go soon because Raja knew she could do the job better than he could, and she-

Her phone dinged. Raja looked down.

_Yeah, I'm free except for Thursday :) what's up?_

Raja smiled with satisfaction and replied, wanna get a coffee with me?

Raja sat back in her chair and held her phone in front of her, staring at it. The little grey ellipses appeared, and Raja waited. They disappeared. Raja frowned. But then they appeared again. This was taking a while… 

_Sure._

All that for _sure?_ Jesus. But Raja typed back quickly anyway, because she didn't care for playing games. 

_cool. how about friday, i'm off at 4:30_

A few people walked past her desk and Raja ignored them, still staring at her phone. Finally Manila's text came through.

_I'm off at 5:00, I could meet you then?_

Raja smiled at her phone and quickly suggested a place before turning back to her work computer. Manila agreed, and it was settled. 

Nice, she had a date. 

"Someone looks happy," commented Sasha as she walked by, stopping next to Raja's desk, "It can't possibly be because of those lousy sketches that Steve okayed… "

Raja laughed and rolled her eyes, "No, not the sketches. I just set up a date with this girl I met at the club on the weekend."

"Let me guess, another twenty-one-year-old?" teased Sasha, raising her sharp eyebrows, "Darling, I thought you were past your cradle-robber phase…"

Raja burst into laughter and swatted at Sasha, who dodged away with a chiming laugh. Raja got up and followed her out of the room into the design studio to put the best possible spin on the lousy sketches.

-

Friday rolled around and Raja left work and ran an errand before strolling into the designated cafe at exactly 5:09pm. She looked around but saw no sign of Manila, so she got an Americano with milk and found a table. Raja replied to some texts, thought vaguely about what she had planned for dinner and waited. Five minutes passed, then ten. Raja grabbed a loose newspaper and flipped through it. Fifteen minutes. Twenty.

Raja glanced at her phone again. It was 5:37pm, without any word from Manila. That probably meant that Manila probably wasn't coming at all. Raja sighed and got up, disappointment congealing in her stomach.

Raja pushed open the door to leave just as Manila pulled it open to enter. Raja stumbled forward off balance, and Manila exclaimed, "Oh, hello!"

They both paused in the doorway. Manila's hair was everywhere, and she was out of breath, like she'd been running. The bag over her shoulder looked heavy.

"Were you leaving?" asked Manila.

"It's like twenty to six," explained Raja, annoyed, "I thought you weren't coming-"

Someone else was trying to leave the cafe, so Raja backed out of the way, returning inside. Manila held the door and then entered, letting it swing shut.

"I'm really sorry," said Manila, hoisting her bag further up on her shoulder, "I got out late, my phone was dead and I work on the other side of town-"

"Oh, we could have picked somewhere closer."

"No, this is good," said Manila, looking around for an empty table, "Ideal actually."

Raja failed to see how it was _ideal,_ but followed Manila over to an empty table anyway. This was going to be weird, she could already tell. But the disappointment had left, and Raja decided she may as well make the best of it. Manila fussed with her bag, getting her wallet out and going over to order something and Raja took the opportunity to check her out. Manila's work outfit wasn't particularly form-fitting but still looked nice, and Raja respectfully looked away when Manila turned back around and returned to the table. 

"So, how was your day?" asked Manila, with a smile. As she sat down, a tiny cross on a gold chain slid into visibility at the top of her blouse and then it was hidden once more.

Raja took a breath and told her, in relatively loose terms, about her job. The conversation flowed easily as Manila responded with information about her own. She had a decent job doing graphic design with a mid-sized local company. It turned out that they'd both gone to the same art and design college in the city, years apart. Raja had majored in fashion and Manila in design, so their experiences were quite different but Raja was glad to find out they at least had _something_ in common.

"Yeah, I suggested Mucha style, but then they said-" said Raja, telling Manila some work anecdote from a couple weeks earlier.

"I absolutely love art nouveau!" exclaimed Manila, interrupting her, "I just finished this thing at work, it was a poster series in that exact style-"

Raja tilted her head to one side, not even offended at having been interrupted. Manila kept talking, her eyes bright and enthusiastic and Raja could see an energetic personality shining through that weird layer of caution and hesitance. Huh. They continued to talk about art, and Raja realized not only did they have more common ground that she thought, but art and illustration was clearly Manila's _thing._ Like with music, her tastes were oddly dated, even a tad on the conservative side. When Raja mentioned more edgy and contemporary names, Manila didn't seem judgemental, just curious. Manila even noted down a few names in her phone.

The conversation wound down as Raja realized she was now quite hungry. They got up and left, and stood outside the cafe for a moment, facing each other. Raja didn't want to play this guessing game any longer. Either Manila wanted to hook up with her, or she didn't.

"Well, it's great getting to know you outside of the club," said Raja suggestively, eyeing Manila up and down and making sure she noticed, "Why don't we go for a drink next time?"

But Manila's weird hesitancy returned, a subtle tightening in her shoulders.

"Yeah, we could get coffee again," countered Manila, crossing her arms, her body language contrasting distinctly with the smile on her face, "I'd like that!"

"O-kay," said Raja slowly, holding eye contact and trying to determine via telepathy what was going on. It wasn't a rejection, but it wasn't the kind of enthusiasm Manila had clearly demonstrated she was capable of. Manila was distinctly not returning the sexual energy that Raja thought she was making obvious.

"Great! I'll text you," said Manila, "Goodnight!"

With that awkward goodbye Manila turned on her heel and left, leaving Raja a little off her footing. Hmm. Raja wandered to the subway and decided that she wouldn't think about Manila any more unless Manila contacted her first. 

That proved more difficult than she'd expected. 

-

Sure enough, Raja's phone dinged the following Wednesday evening and Raja picked it up from it's position on Bianca's coffee table, putting her glass of wine down. Their friend group was having a little mid-week dinner party, admittedly with more wine than dinner. As was typical, Raja and Sasha were the only ones who'd brought a proper dishes, everyone else had brought chips.

_Hey! Want to meet for coffee again on Friday? :)_

"What are you staring at your phone like an idiot for?" asked Bianca, sneaking up beside Raja and peering over her shoulder.

"That chick from the club texted me again."

"The straight girl with the curly hair?"

"I don't think she's straight… "

"You fucked her yet?"

"We just met!" protested Raja.

"Since when has that ever stopped you?" taunted Bianca with a grin.

"Just give me a couple weeks, she's shy or whatever."

"Suuuuure."

Raja shoved Bianca off, and Bianca walked over to talk with Carmen, Sasha and her girlfriend Shea. Raja typed out a quick response.

_that's fine with me, same time same place?_

Manila suggested a different cafe, a little bit further away from the first one. Raja confirmed, and wondered why Manila didn't want to just go out and get a drink with her. Maybe she liked the whole getting-to-know-each-other process? It wouldn't hurt to go out again since Raja had been thinking about her on and off all week anyway. Hopefully Raja would get more definitive answers to her questions this time. The main question being, of course, did Manila want to hook up with her and if so, when?

-

Before Raja knew it, it became a pattern. Every Friday she'd leave work and meet Manila at a rotation of cafes in the surrounding area, and they'd have coffee or tea or whatever and just talk for a little while and then they'd go their separate ways. Raja considered telling Manila she wasn't interested… but Manila always seemed so happy to see her. 

The only problem was that Raja still didn't have any definitive answers about what Manila's deal was. They'd talked about all kinds of things, about art, the city, good TV, bad TV, and their mutual art school experiences. Raja had shared a fair amount about her personal history, pointedly mentioning past girlfriends, but Manila had shared very little on that subject for herself. In fact she was guarded and tight-lipped about it. 

But tonight Raja was going to get an answer one way or another. So, as their usual time to depart rolled around Raja made her move. 

"Would you like to come over to my place for dinner?" suggested Raja, "We can order a pizza or something."

Manila paused, weirdly hesitant, and said, "Yeah, why not?"

It wasn't exactly an enthusiastic response, but Raja decided to take it. Raja would, of course, rather seduce Manila with a brilliantly cooked five-course meal than pizza but Raja hadn't planned that far in advance. Perhaps another time, because she loved showing off her talents in the kitchen. They left, took the subway and soon enough they were walking down the hall to Raja's apartment. Manila picked at her nails nervously, looking down. Raja unlocked the door and went in, kicking off her shoes, and Manila wandered in after her, put her bag down and looked around. 

"Wow, this is a great place!" announced Manila in a sudden change of mood, and started exploring immediately, wandering directly to Raja's living room bookshelf and gazing over all the titles.

Raja went into the kitchen, which was open to the living room except for a short length of counter and wall with a window cut in it, and took a pizza menu off the fridge, dialling the number into her phone. 

"What kind of pizza do you want?" she called over her shoulder. 

"Any kind's fine I just don't like mushrooms!" called Manila back, and then she let out a gasp, "Is that a record player?!"

It certainly was, thought Raja smugly to herself, one of her prized possessions. She put in the order for the pizza and then ran two glasses of water and wandered out into the living room to where Manila was looking through her record collection, and complimenting it extensively. Raja sat down on the couch and Manila joined her. 

"You live like a real adult," sighed Manila, putting her elbow up on the back of the couch, "I want to move out so badly… "

"You still live at home, right?"

"Yeah," replied Manila, "It's fine but my parents are strict. They still treat me like I'm a teenager."

"Did you live at home while you went to college, or…?" replied Raja, who didn't understand why anyone would tolerate that longer than they absolutely had to. Maybe finances were an issue… but Manila had a full time job in a position that usually paid pretty well. Raja herself would've killed for something that stable at twenty-four. 

"Yeah, I did the whole time. I tried to move out a couple of times but… it got shot down."

"Why?" asked Raja, determined to get a clear answer. She took the opportunity to edge a little bit closer to Manila on the couch.

Manila sighed. Raja just waited, patient despite her curiosity. 

"My family is, uh," said Manila, and she fidgeted unconsciously with the tiny cross around her neck, "They're Christian fundamentalists."

Raja blinked. Well, that sort of explained how Manila seemed like she lived under a rock, and the way she always seemed like she was fighting herself. It also explained how strongly she read as straight, most of the time. Huh.

"I'm not really supposed to move out until I get married," said Manila suddenly, with an awkward laugh, "I know, it's so backwards, but-"

"Do _you_ believe in all of that?" asked Raja, suddenly unnerved.

"No… " said Manila slowly, eyes flicking around the room like someone would overhear, "Not anymore."

Raja nodded. Manila was a lot more complicated than she'd anticipated. Typically, Raja avoided conservative Christians because, well, they had a tendency to either be really boring or dislike her on sight, often due to an unpleasant combination of homophobia and racism. Raja's own family was quite liberal and relaxed, she'd been lucky in that regard. In fact, she had to call her mom back to discuss some family event… Raja shifted back on the couch to give Manila space, and disappointedly acknowledged to herself that she wouldn't be getting laid tonight.

"So you're not out to them, obviously," stated Raja.

" _Out?_ " replied Manila with an awkward, verging on hysterical laugh. 

That was answer enough.

The door buzzed, and Raja got up off the couch and went over to the intercom and rang up the delivery guy. Raja stood by the door and wondered how much weirder this could possible get while Manila sat on the couch, sipping water and fidgeting with the cross on her neck.

Raja paid for the pizza and then placed it down on her coffee table and went to get some plates. She reached for a bottle of wine in the cupboard and then remembered that Manila didn't seem to drink. Raja sighed. They weren't really compatible given their different lives, and it didn't seem like Manila would be comfortable with just hooking up. It was still unclear to Raja what exactly Manila wanted from her, and why they'd kept hanging out for so many weeks without any hint that this was going anywhere

But Raja joined Manila on the couch once more and they ate the pizza. Manila changed the subject and told her a few surprisingly hilarious work anecdotes. All smiles again, Manila sat in the corner of the couch, her back to the arm and her plate in her lap. Raja sat opposite her in the same position, her long legs bent in front of her. 

Raja let Manila lead the conversation. Her awkward hesitancy faded as the subjects changed, and she seemed comfortable. Soon enough they'd both had their fill of pizza and the remaining slice was getting cold in the box on the coffee table.

"Well," said Raja, with a certain finality, "It was great to see you again, but I have some stuff I need to do tonight… "

"Yeah, I should probably go. Thank you for dinner."

"You're welcome."

They both hesitated, and Raja privately mourned the fact that Manila really was incredibly cute but unavailable. Manila got up and walked back over to the door, putting her shoes on and gathering up her bag. Raja wandered over and leaned against the wall nearby, shifting her weight onto one hip. Manila lingered, looking like she wanted to say something. It was a shame really, thought Raja, because Manila had an excellent personality underneath all that hesitation.

"So, uh, " began Manila, making brief eye contact and looking away with an awkward laugh, "I've been really enjoying seeing you."

Raja didn't know what to say to that so she just nodded.

"And I'd like to keep hanging out," continued Manila, "If you're interested?" 

Raja sighed deeply, "Manila, I've been trying make this obvious but I don't think it's getting through to you. I'm looking for someone to either date or hook up with. I think you're great, you're funny, you're really cute, but we're at different points in our lives…" 

Manila looked disappointed, casting her gaze to the ground.

"It's just you're still living at home, you've got whatever-" explained Raja, crossing her arms, "Whatever religious conflicts going on. I don't think you're the right person for me, you know, right now."

Manila pressed her lips together and nodded. Raja sighed again. Her heart went out to Manila, but this just wasn't feasible.

"Yeah, I'm-" said Manila, "I want to move out. I just don't think they're going to like, let me."

_Let me?_ The hair on the back of Raja's neck stood up. Surely Manila's family wasn't that extreme. A moment of silence hung between them.

"So that club, where we met," confessed Manila, out of the blue, "I go out to places like that because there's never anyone who knows me. And it feels like I can actually _breathe,_ you know?" She gestured vaguely, "I don't expect anything, I just like dancing, and being around, uh, the kind of people who go to clubs like that."

"I mean, I know what it's like," said Raja, shifting her weight to her other hip, "I used to feel like that too, sometimes." A long time ago, when she'd been a teenager, a dirty little punk kid messing around and sneaking into clubs because just _seeing_ some queer women, like _existing,_ even from a distance was exciting and comforting. But some people had a harder time coming to terms with their sexuality than others. Perhaps especially if one were part of a conservative religious community, reflected Raja, with parents that were obviously pretty controlling… 

"But anyway, I hear you," said Manila, nodding decidedly and zipping up her coat, "I'm not what you're looking for. I hope you find someone who is, because you're really great. Anyway, I'll head out now."

"I hope you find something that works for you too, goodnight."

With that Manila turned away and went for the door. Raja took a step forward, frowning. Raja didn't want Manila to feel abandoned, she liked her, and she was in a difficult situation… 

"Hey," said Raja impulsively, and Manila turned, her head cocked to one side, "If you ever need like, help with anything just text me alright? I'm around."

"Yeah, okay," said Manila, with a quick smile, "Thanks."

"No problem."

With that, Manila left and Raja shut the door behind her, locking it by instinct. The conversation had become unexpectedly heavy. They'd built up a nice little rapport over the past few weeks, but… Raja was going to have to put it aside, and not let Manila occupy any more of her brain space. Raja put the final slice of pizza in the fridge, called her mom back, and decided to go to bed early.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raja and Manila have an unexpectedly intense interaction in public, out of which complicated feelings arise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are about to get real dramatic up in here folks!  
> thanks to everyone for reading this so far <3
> 
> tw: passive aggressive homophobia, internalized homophobia, threat of sexual assault

A few more weeks passed, and Raja did her best to keep Manila off her mind. But thoughts of Manila wandered back in anyway. Raja went out to the club and met a lovely woman named Trixie, who was a bubble-gum pink high femme fantasy and they had excellent sex for a couple weeks. Unfortunately their personalities didn't mesh together quite as well as their bodies, so they ended things without any hard feelings. Like mature and responsible adults.

Work continued, and Raja became increasingly frustrated with the incompetent Steve, bitching about him with Sasha at any given opportunity. Raja's ambition was raising it's head and she started looking for other jobs on the down low, ideally ones that were a step up in both pay and prestige from where hers was now. 

Another Friday rolled around, and since Raja no longer did anything specific on Fridays she accepted the invitation to go out with her friends to celebrate Bianca's big win in a landmark case with her law firm. Raja didn't understand the details, but she was happy for her anyway. Raja decided she may as well indulge and wore one of her favourite outfits; a deep red fitted suit, in which she looked entirely androgynous from every angle. Masculinity and femininity had always been fluid for her, and Raja loved occupying the space between.

The restaurant and bar Bianca had chosen was modern, the interior design was sleek. The black chairs matched the trim, and there were beautiful vine-like plants on high shelves around the room. The group was there primarily for drinks, so everyone hung around at the smaller standing tables near the bar, as the place became increasingly crowded. Raja got a drink and chatted with Shea and Sasha. 

After a little while Raja crossed the bar to find the bathroom, and she glanced over the restaurant section full of tables and paused. 

There was Manila, seated at a table, her curly black hair pulled back with a claw clip, wearing a pretty yellow dress and talking to the most generic-looking white guy Raja had ever seen, who was wearing a sport coat. Raja blinked. There was a familiar nervous tension in Manila's shoulders. 

Raja turned away and found the bathroom. Manila must have chosen a side, thought Raja direly and then corrected herself, recalling that bisexuality was real and valid and that Raja shouldn't judge how other people lived their lives. But Manila's words about her family's strict… _principles_ flashed back to her. Raja grimaced as she washed her hands. What Manila had said was almost certainly an exaggeration, there was no way anyone was actually _enforcing_ anything like that anymore. Ugh, what an all-around backwards and oppressive lifestyle. But it wasn't any of Raja's business. Raja had told Manila she could contact her, and she hadn't. So it was fine.

Raja left the bathroom and returned to her conversation with Sasha and Shea. Shea was telling a hilarious story about her aunt that Raja tried to pay attention to but her mind kept wandering. Maybe she should go over to Manila's table and just say hello. It would be weird not to, right? They were both in the same building, after all. Manila might even have already seen her. 

"… and then she said, 'I made these tacos myself, you'll damn well eat them!'" exclaimed Shea, imitating her aunt's accent and Sasha threw back her head laughing, a hand on Shea's arm. Raja laughed along as well, only half-engaged in the story. 

"What's got you so distracted?" asked Sasha, once the laughter had died down. 

"Ugh, nothing," grimaced Raja, "I just saw someone I know on the way to the bathroom."

"Ah, one of your dejected exes?"

"Not even," replied Raja, rolling her eyes and taking the teasing. 

Shea cocked her head to one side and said, "It kinda seems like it's bothering you, girl."

"You know when you're not exactly sure if you know someone well enough to bother saying hello?" wondered Raja aloud, craning her neck to spy Manila through the crowd again. She seemed to have finished eating. Manila was still smiling, but Raja knew how easily Manila could smile through awkwardness and discomfort.

"That means you should probably say hello," replied Shea, with a smile, "It never hurts to be friendly."

"You're so wonderful," sighed Sasha, pulling Shea in by the waist and kissing her cheek. 

"Yeah, okay," said Raja, noting their display of affection and privately wishing she was in such a stable and loving relationship,"I'll go say hi, it'll only take two minutes."

Raja wove back through the crowd with renewed confidence. It wouldn't be a big deal, she'd just go to the table and say hello, and then leave again. Raja approached, quickly pushing her hair back and smoothing down the lapels of her suit jacket. 

Manila was easily identifiable, nodding at something her date was saying, and Raja noted the empty wine glass next to her. Manila hadn't wanted to get a drink with _her_ when she'd asked all those weeks ago, but she did with this guy? Raja pushed down her irritation, maintaining her confidence. This was going to be fine. 

"Hey Manila," said Raja, walking up to the table, "I saw you from the bar, thought I'd come over and say hello."

"Oh hi!" said Manila, looking up, her eyes brightening and her smile widening significantly. Raja privately enjoyed the victory. Manila glanced to the man across from her, who was eyeing Raja suspiciously, and said, "Matt, this is my uh, _coworker,_ Raja."

The generic man, Matt, said a stiff hello that Raja barely registered as she stared at Manila in surprise. _Acquaintance_ she would have understood, _friend_ was maybe a stretch, but _coworker…_ that was an outright lie. Manila looked tense, though her smile remained plastered on.

Raja nodded to her and said, "Well anyway, hope you're having a nice night. I'll see you _at work._ "

With that she said a quick bye to Matt or whatever and walked back to her group. Raja ordered another drink and realized that saying hi to Manila hadn't made her feel any better. Her positive feelings towards Manila shrank significantly, and Raja rather expected Manila would never contact her again. Manila could go right ahead and fuck generic straight Matt, get married, crank out some babies and live out her wonderfully obnoxious conservative Christian lifestyle and Raja would continue to be an extremely cool fashion lesbian with many interesting sexual partners _thank you very much-_

Raja re-focused on celebrating Bianca's success, even going so far as to order her a slice of cake with sparkler in it, earning an only-slightly-sloppy cheek kiss from a half-drunk Bianca for it.

A few minutes later Raja felt a touch on her arm and she turned to see Manila. 

"I'm sorry about that," said Manila, and Raja noticed Sasha looking on, curious, "But he would've asked how I know you and-"

"And you couldn't have just said we're friends?" responded Raja, cold.

"I'm not supposed to be friends with people like you."

Raja blinked and noticed Sasha moving in a little closer, eyes narrowed.

"I, uh, look," continued Manila, crossing her arms, looking down and then back up, embarrassed, "I'm not like _with_ him. Sometimes the ladies from church set me up on dates with guys that they know, and the guys are, well, sort of what you'd expect-"

"Why would you agree to that?" asked Raja, incredulous. 

Manila's expression tightened, "I can only make so many excuses-"

Concern was rising up over Raja's annoyance, and she opened her mouth to respond only to see generic Matt approaching over Manila's shoulder. He came up to Manila and put an arm around her waist, which Manila brushed off with an uncomfortable look. 

"What?" he asked, annoyed. 

"Nothing," said Manila.

Matt put his arm around her again, and this time Manila didn't resist.

"So, these are your co-workers?" said generic Matt, mild scorn laced in his voice, looking Raja and Sasha up and down.

Raja mentally pictured herself kicking generic Matt, who was quickly transforming into _rude_ Matt, in the face.

"Yeah, we are," said Raja, just as Sasha was opening her mouth to respond. Sasha shot her a confused look, but Raja bulldozed onwards, mainly because she wanted rude Matt to get his hand off of Manila's waist immediately. 

"I do photography," lied Raja, staring rude Matt in the eyes, before gesturing at Sasha, "She works in editing. Manila's office is just across the hall from my studio. We eat lunch together like every day. I've heard all about you, _Matt._ " That was absolute bullshit, of course. Manila shifted a little to the side, only to have rude Matt pull her back in close to him. Manila forced a smile.

"Really? She never mentioned that," challenged rude Matt. Raja realized then that he didn't just look like a generic white guy, he looked like an _absolute asshole._

"Nice suit," added rude Matt, an edge of sarcasm in his tone, "You know that's men's clothing, right."

Rude Matt was now _officially_ asshole Matt, and Raja was going to murder him. Sasha made a confused, offended noise. No one else from their party had noticed the conversation.

"Manila, would you like to join us?" offered Raja instead, holding eye contact with Manila, who looked like she wanted to disappear.

"Uh-"

"No thanks, I'm going to take her home," said asshole Matt with a sleazy grin, his grip tightening on Manila's waist. 

A moment of utter humiliation crossed Manila's face and she shut her eyes for a second.

"It was a nice to see you, Raja," said Manila, opening her eyes again, her voice flat and expressionless.

With that she turned, twisting out of Matt's grip and walking angrily towards the door. 

Asshole Matt just laughed and said, "Women, am I right?" like he was some kind of fucking standup comedian and followed her out.

"What in the world was that?" asked Sasha, utterly bewildered.

"A disaster waiting to happen," muttered Raja, seething with indignation, and put her drink down, "I'm gonna go see if she's okay."

"The straights are at it again… "

"She's not straight!" snapped Raja over her shoulder. 

Raja pushed open the door of the bar and was met with a busy street and cool night air. Distantly registering surprise at the depth of her anger, Raja looked one way and then the other, and saw Manila standing on the curb, arms crossed. Matt was next to her, talking to her and putting his arm around her shoulders.

Raja quickly fished her phone out and put it to her ear, pretending she'd stepped out to have a conversation and edged down the street to watch, keeping to the far side of the sidewalk. Raja had no plan at all, just a bad feeling her gut, and her instincts told to her to look out for Manila.

"-can you please not touch me for like one second, Matt?" snapped Manila, stepping to the side. 

"What's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem, I just need a minute to myself."

"Alright have a minute, relax." But Matt didn't actually let go of her, he just let his hand fall from her shoulders to the small of her back. 

After a few moments of silence during which Manila seemed to compose herself, Matt leaned in and whispered something in her ear. 

"No, thank you," said Manila firmly, "I'd just like to go home."

"Come on, come back to mine for a bit-"

"I'm gonna call a cab-"

"Don't worry, I'll drive you home and we'll just swing by my apartment on our way," replied Matt, frowning, "Why are you being like this? I paid for dinner."

Of all the _entitled fuckers-_ Raja gave up pretending to be on the phone.

"And thanks, that was really nice of you, but I said-" insisted Manila, strained politeness in her tone.

"Don't be like this, sweetheart."

Manila took a deep breath in and Raja relaxed for a moment, certain that she was going to tell him off and be on her way… but instead Manila deflated, her shoulders slumping. 

"Okay fine," mumbled Manila, "But just for a minute…"

Matt's body language changed immediately, going from standoffish to victorious, predatory. Matt slid his hand down her lower back to the curve of her ass. Manila tried to shift away, but Matt pressed leaned in closer to her.

"Don't worry baby, we're gonna have a great time-"

Fuck that. Raja had listened to enough of this.

"Hey Manila," called Raja, stepping forward, "You forgot your coat inside."

Manila jumped with surprise and turned, eyes flicking from Raja to Matt and back again.

"Oh, uh, yeah?" managed Manila, expression nervous as she stepped away from Matt.

"You again?" asked Matt, lip curling.

"Yeah, me," stated Raja, staring him down, with a quick aside to Manila, "The staff have it behind the bar."

"I'll just be a minute," murmured Manila, and she darted in front of Raja and back towards the door. 

"Who do you think you are?" asked Matt, his low voice irritated.

"I'm just her coworker," replied Raja dryly, turning away with contempt and following Manila inside. As Raja opened the door she glanced back, but Matt hadn't followed them. Raja took a breath and walked back over to the end of the bar to where Manila was hovering.

"I didn't bring a coat," said Manila, when she saw Raja. 

"I know," replied Raja, shrugging and putting her hands in her pockets.

"So…"

"Yeah."

Manila nodded to herself, and said, "You didn't have to, it probably would've been fine-"

"Or he's the kind of guy that doesn't listen to no," countered Raja, "I think he was making that pretty obvious."

"Ugh, what a disaster," sighed Manila, and shook her head, "I'm so sorry."

"For what?" asked Raja, taken aback. Manila had nothing to apologize for. 

"Everything?"

Raja shrugged again in response because, well, what was there to say? 

"I'll call a cab," said Manila, taking out her phone.

Raja nodded. Manila called herself a cab, and then they went to the door and Raja stepped out ahead of her to quickly check the street for asshole Matt. But he'd long-vanished. Manila sighed and stood on the curb, her arms crossed. Raja looked around awkwardly, not sure what to do.

"You good?" asked Raja.

Manila nodded and gave her a quick, tired smile, "Yeah, I'll be fine."

But a strange tension remained between them. Raja said goodnight, went back inside and ordered another drink as quickly as humanly possible. The encounter had left her with an odd spark of protectiveness towards Manila despite the awkward situation. Well, chances were they'd never see each other again. Sasha sidled up next to her, Shea on her arm, as Raja drained half of her drink.

"You're really having a night, aren't you?" said Sasha, not without sympathy, "What happened out there?"

"She wanted to go home by herself and he was… " Raja sighed, "You know how some people just grind you down? They make it difficult, embarrassing and annoying to keep saying no until eventually you just give up and say yes?"

Shea looked shocked, and Sasha sighed, "I know that type."

"I can't stand seeing that shit."

"How do you know her again?" asked Shea, concerned, "She doesn't actually work with you two, does she?"

"No, I met her at the club, it's a long story," said Raja. At least Manila was safe and okay. Asshole Matt was still loose in the world but so were a lot of crappy people. 

"Wait, _that's_ the girl from the club?" exclaimed Sasha. "The one who didn't want to hook up with you?"

"Oh dear," murmured Shea. 

"What?" asked Raja, confused, looking between the two of them. 

"Raja… " sighed Sasha, shaking her head. 

"What did I do?" complained Raja, "You two are the worst!"

"No we're not, we're the best!" laughed Shea, motioning to her, "Come on, I think Bianca's on like drink number eight, it's probably time to get her out of here."

Well, that hadn't really answered Raja's question, but she followed Sasha and Shea back to pay their bills and wrangle a very drunk and happy Bianca out of the bar.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raja and Manila meet up again after exchanging some texts about last night's incident. Raja attempts to introduce Manila to her friend group and things go a little sideways. 
> 
> or
> 
> manila gets drunk and makes some drunk girl choices, raja smokes weed and gets a little jealous because that's how the bitch is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will they manage to get together at all?! spoiler alert they will! but you already know that because this is a prequel! stay tuned for drama on the way there! <3

Raja woke up late the next day, checked her phone and found a series of text messages from Manila.

_Hey, I'm sorry about what happened last night. I just wanted to apologize again._

Which was followed by.

_Would you want to get a coffee? Like as a thank you..._

Continued with.

_But if you don't I totally get it! This has been super weird. Just let me know._

Raja rolled over and stared at the ceiling. Yeah, last night had been pretty damn weird, and Manila was apologizing again for something that wasn't remotely her fault. Manila had sent these texts at… Raja checked the time they'd been delivered. _6:04am?_

Refusing to address the situation without some caffeine in her system, Raja got out of bed and wandered into the kitchen, stretching and yawning. She went about making herself breakfast. 

Raja reflected for a moment, sipping her coffee and chewing a bite of toast. Raja had intervened in a situation careening rapidly towards sexual assault last night. Manila still lived at home with an obviously very controlling set of parents, who were some type of Christian fundamentalists. Everything about Manila was weird and contradictory and she had this nearly constant anxiety and tension to her. And they'd only met in the first place because Raja had seen Manila dancing at the club and had been attracted to how _free and happy_ she looked.

But it seemed that in the rest of Manila's life the opposite couldn't be more true. Raja picked up her phone and pondered the text messages. 

_yeah it's okay,_ typed Raja, _you don't have anything to apologize for. we can get a coffee, just name the place._

That was fine, right? Raja picked at her lip for a moment and then hit send anyway. She shouldn't be thinking about this so much, because it wasn't like anything was going to happen between them anyway. Raja had been angry last night because asshole Matt had been such an asshole to Manila and Raja didn't want to see _anyone_ getting treated that way. 

_Great! Okay, how about Monday? Is that too soon?_ Manila's rapid text back was tinged with relief. 

Raja sighed, agreed to Monday and then to the coffee place Manila suggested. 

Then she put her phone down and contemplated all the tasks she had to complete today. Raja decided to go the gym, since working out would definitely help clear her head. Once at the gym, she went hard on the elliptical, blasting fast-paced Indonesian pop music from her earbuds.

It mostly worked.

-

Monday rolled around and Raja left work and went to the agreed-upon cafe, not without some apprehension. Manila just wanted to thank her or something, which would probably make things awkward enough between them again that they could leave each other alone for good. Raja arrived, and was surprised to find Manila already there, since she had a tendency to be late. Raja approached and Manila looked up with a nervous smile. Raja sat down in the chair across from her, and Manila pushed a takeout cup forward. 

"It's an Americano, with milk," said Manila, by way of explanation. 

"Thanks," said Raja, surprised that Manila remembered her order even though they hadn't met up in a while.

Awkward silence sat between them for a moment and Raja took a sip of her coffee. It was just as she liked it. That was an encouraging sign. 

"So, um, thanks," said Manila, shifting in her seat, "You know, for Friday."

"You're welcome," replied Raja, nodding. 

"How was your weekend?"

"It was fine, I went to the gym. How was yours?"

"Also fine. I went to church."

Raja raised an eyebrow. Manila let out a self-deprecating laugh and said, "Church is mandatory."

"Of course it is. Did the church ladies have anything to say about that bad date they set you up on?"

Manila laughed again, "No, I didn't tell them the details. I just said we didn't really get along. They told me I'm never going to find a nice guy if I keep being so picky."

"You can do so much better than asshole Matt, Manila."

"Thanks, I'm trying to."

They lapsed into silence for a moment. Raja sipped at her coffee again, and decided that maybe it was in a takeout cup for a reason.

"Okay, well," began Raja, "Call me if you need… " she paused, not sure what Manila could need from her, "Anything. Advice, maybe? God, that sounds condescending."

"It does," replied Manila dryly, a playful smile on her face.

"Yeah, you don't need to be talked down to," chuckled Raja, pushing her chair back and standing, "You're your own person. Good luck with moving out, I hope it happens soon."

"Wait," said Manila, as Raja was turning to leave, "Uh, this might come off as weird, but-" Manila paused, eyes flicking around the room like the people around them might be listening in.

"Yeah?"

"Would you want to keep getting coffee, like we were before?" asked Manila, guarded vulnerability in her expression, "Just as friends?"

Raja hesitated. She had plenty of friends already, and a full-time job, and she wanted to find a relationship, well, if not a relationship then at least a decent fuck-buddy. Her schedule was pretty full.

"I just don't know a lot of people outside of work and my family's… community," added Manila, keeping her tone light and added, teasing, "And I guess you're _kind of_ cool." 

Raja couldn't help it, she felt sorry for Manila. She knew how alienating it was to feel alone, to feel like you were driving yourself insane without anyone else to talk to who understood. Perhaps especially so in a situation like Manila's, where she had to be so guarded all the time.

Fuck. 

"Yeah, sure," said Raja, against her better judgement, "Fridays as usual?"

Manila's smile could have lit up the entire room.

-

Another few weeks flew by, with regular coffee meetings that turned into regular sessions of just hanging out at Raja's apartment because that was more convenient. 

They talked about everything, and Raja found that despite their differences they had more common ground than she thought. Manila was easy to talk to, even though Raja found herself listening more often than not. They watched movies and listened to records, and Raja did make Manila dinner a couple of times, and Manila was so grateful and impressed with Raja's skills that Raja became embarrassed and decided to go back to ordering takeout for a while. Manila joked that as far as her family knew she spent a lot of time working late or going out with coworkers.

Raja tried to avoid the whole _lesbian yearning thing_ by forcefully telling herself that Manila was just a friend, and that Manila had made it pretty clear she didn't return her attraction. In fact, Manila probably saw her as some kind of mentor figure or whatever, and Raja shouldn't be feeling attracted to her anyway. It didn't work. Raja dealt with her frustrations by getting good use out of her vibrator, going to the club, or calling up Trixie, who as it turned out was still single and very much down to have no-strings-attached sex when the mood struck.

Throughout the weeks Raja also learned more about Manila's home life. Which was… increasingly sinister, if Raja was being honest. But Raja didn't offer her opinion, she just listened to and tallied the facts and incidents Manila mentioned and occasionally asked her questions. 

"My brother just got engaged which means he'll be moving out before me and it's just, ugh," complained Manila, lying on the carpet on Raja's living room floor, one leg up over the other, rambling, "It's going to be a huge wedding, my dad's side of the family doesn't believe in birth control so I have _soooo many_ cousins and they're literally all rednecks. But I had this second cousin on my mom's side who was pretty cool, I remember her growing up. But they're kinda liberal so it's never certain if they'll be invited…"

"What do you think would happen if you just up and left?" asked Raja, out of curiosity. The evening was winding down, and Raja was curled up on the couch, watching Manila on the floor and trying to ignore the lovely shape of her legs and the way her hair was spread out behind her head.

Manila sat up, thinking, before she answered, "They might excommunicate me. Like they've never _said_ that, but… it's happened to other people from the community, who tried to do things differently."

Raja nodded, frowning.

"Or… they'd just find a way to enforce their rules anyway. My parents are good at that, I've yet to win an argument with them," said Manila contemplatively, and then added, "At the end of college I almost moved out, I signed a lease for an apartment with two other girls. I got everything ready. But it turned into a huge fight, and my dad actually got a lawyer involved to break the lease on my behalf, saying I'd signed it under false pretences…" Manila sighed. "It was humiliating. I sort of gave up after that."

"And if you told them you were going to become a Satan-worshipping lesbian heathen?" asked Raja, a little disturbed by the story and attempting to lighten the mood. 

Manila laughed darkly, "They'd show up at my door with the reverend and a conversion therapist. That happened to the son of one of the ladies at the congregation when he tried to come out. It got ugly."

Raja decided not to say anything, but her frustration and anger at Manila's situation only increased the more she learned.

"Where do you see yourself in… let's say three years, if you _don't_ move out?" asked Raja instead, leaning against the arm of the couch and supporting her head in her hand. Raja couldn't help but feel invested in Manila's future.

"In three years I'll be… twenty-seven?" sighed Manila. "I like my job, so I'll probably still work there. I know my parents are getting suspicious that I don't have a boyfriend yet, so I'll have to pick _somebody._ It won't be that bad. Once I have kids though… "

"Do you want kids?"

"I'm good with them, I practically raised my youngest brother and some of my little cousins so I know I can do it," shrugged Manila, avoiding the question, "Family legacy and all of that."

Raja sighed. It was difficult to take the resignation in Manila's voice. But the casual tone with which she spoke covered an internal pain that Raja only occasionally caught glimpses of. Raja wanted to ease it, but had no idea how. Unfortunately, well, it wasn't Raja's place to tell Manila how to live her life. 

"It'll be fine," said Manila abruptly, forcing a smile back on her face, "Let's listen to that Talking Heads album again."

With that Manila slid the vinyl record out of it's sleeve and put it on the turntable, gently dropping the needle down onto it. She bobbed her head along to the music. But Raja wasn't listening, instead she was thinking, turning Manila's situation over in her head. And trying not to let that spark of protective anger, which Raja hadn't quite been able to quash since the incident with asshole Matt, grow into a flame.

An idea popped up in Raja's mind, and she decided it was time to properly introduce Manila to her own friend group. At least then she'd know a few more people from the world outside of her family's community, and have connections beyond Raja alone if she did decide, someday, to leave.

After one side of the album was over Manila got up off the floor and made her way to the door. Raja got up as well and impulsively pulled her in for a hug, squeezing her tight for a moment.

-

Raja opened the door to Bianca's apartment, called out, "Hey!" and hoped that this wouldn't be too weird. 

Manila was a step behind her, looking hesitant. For some inexplicable reason she was wearing an oddly formal pale blue dress that made her look even younger than she normally did. Raja didn't criticize her outfit, Raja herself was dressed down in jeans and a button-up because it wasn't like this gathering was formal in any way. Manila's hair was in a loose side braid, sitting gently on her shoulder.

"Hey, bitch!" called Bianca, walking over, a bottle of red wine already in hand. She paused when she saw Manila, "Oh, hello."

"Hi," said Manila, with a small wave. 

"Bianca, Manila," said Raja, gesturing between them and using all of her willpower to make this less weird. Music played out from the living room and judging by the pile of shoes by the door there were a few more people here tonight than Raja had expected. It was more of a party than a gathering.

"Would you like some wine?" asked Bianca, looking Manila up and down. 

"Sure!" said Manila, "You have a really nice place, I love the colour."

Bianca's hallway was a painted vibrant blue. It annoyed Raja briefly that Manila was accepting alcohol from another person that wasn't her. Raja had only offered again once, during one of their weekly hangouts, and it had been declined.

"Thanks, honey," replied Bianca, warming to the compliment, "Come in and see the kitchen."

Manila followed Bianca in and Raja wandered in to the living room, which was already full of people, including the majority of her close friends and a few she didn't recognize. Probably Bianca's lawyer associates. Raja spied Sasha and Shea immediately, and made a beeline through the crowd to them

"Did you bring her?" asked Sasha immediately, glancing over Raja's shoulder. 

"Yeah, she's in the kitchen with Bianca," replied Raja.

"You left that sweet young thing alone with the lesbian equivalent of a barracuda?" laughed Shea.

"Bianca's not going to hit on her, Bianca still refers to her as 'the straight girl," replied Raja. In fact, it was beginning to annoy her quite a bit. "And she's not actually _that_ young, she's twenty-four."

"Really? She looks like she's twelve."

"No she doesn't!" protested Raja, "It's just- her life is complicated. I thought it would be nice for her to meet everybody."

"Aw, that's so sweet of you," said Shea, touching Raja's arm.

"Yeah, sweet is new for you," teased Sasha, and added, "Be nice to Bianca tonight, she's having issues with Courtney. Who you'll notice isn't here."

"Oh, right, thanks for letting me know."

Raja left the couple, making her way to the kitchen. She could use some wine herself. The kitchen was loud and somewhat crowded, but Raja quickly found Manila talking to Bianca, wine glass already in hand. Bianca's head was cocked to one side as she gave Manila a very interested look. Jealousy spiked in Raja's stomach for a moment. But Bianca was clutching her glass of wine a little too tightly, and Raja guessed that Bianca wasn't taking the situation with Courtney very well. Raja sighed. Everyone was perpetually in the midst of their own personal dramas.

Manila laughed at a joke Bianca had made. That was a good sign, Bianca's humour could sometimes be caustic.

"How's it going?" asked Raja, sidling in next to Manila. 

"We're getting to know each other," replied Bianca, with a very direct look at Manila.

"Yeah, Bianca was telling me about how you two met in high school," said Manila, tuning to face Raja, looking very entertained, "I wouldn't have guessed you were an ex-punk."

"Raja was a _real bad girl…_ "

"It was a phase," sighed Raja, rolling her eyes at Bianca, "You'll never let me live that down, will you?"

"She had this terrible dyed-red mohawk and an awful eyebrow piercing, I'll show you the photos," added Bianca, shifting closer to Manila, as Raja leaned against the counter next to her, "if you'd like to stay late after the party."

"Anything to take her down a few notches," laughed Manila, glancing over at Raja. 

The conversation continued. Bianca's humour became increasingly flirtatious and suggestive, and Manila, much to Raja's surprise and frustration, was _returning_ it. In her own weird way, of course, but she seemed to be distinctly enjoying herself. Raja was happy to see that, but at the same time… well, she hadn't been expecting his. After a few minutes Manila went over to the sink to get a glass of water.

"Bianca, why are you hitting on her?" hissed Raja under her breath.

"Because you're not," replied Bianca, deadpan.

"I- I'm- things aren't like that between us-" 

"Then why do you care? It'll be good for her to fuck somebody like me who's confident, mature and experienced," said Bianca, with a grin, "And actually good at sex, unlike you."

"Hey, _I am_ good at sex!"

"What?" asked Manila, reappearing with a glass of water.

"Nothing," said Raja hurriedly, while Bianca cackled.

"Just discussing our experience," purred Bianca, leaning in close as she walked past Manila, "And _competence,_ honey, if you know what I'm saying."

Manila laughed again and Bianca left the kitchen, tossing a knowing look over her shoulder at Raja. Raja fumed internally.

"She seems nice," said Manila dryly, "A bit intense though." 

Perhaps Manila wasn't quite as naive as Raja had assumed. 

"Let me introduce you to some people who are actually nice," said Raja, taking Mania's arm. Manila picked up her second glass of wine off the counter and let Raja lead her back into the living room. Raja quickly located Sasha and Shea again. 

Raja introduced them to Manila. Manila awkwardly mentioned that she remembered Sasha from the bar, and Sasha nodded and discreetly changed the subject. Shea was lovely as always.

"Oh, so you _actually are_ her coworker!" laughed Manila, when Sasha explained to her how they all knew one another. Shea told the hilarious story of how they'd met and Sasha added in some anecdotes from work, shining light on Raja's goofy antics. Raja thought of herself as extremely cool and dismissed Sasha's good-natured mockery. Manila seemed to be happy, talking to the couple with enthusiasm, despite many of their references clearly going over her head. Sometimes it seemed like Manila really did live under a rock, pondered Raja affectionately.

"It's so nice that you introduced us to your girlfriend," added Sasha, turning back to Raja, "Usually you make us all wait forever until you bother."

There was an awkward pause. 

"Uh-" began Manila.

"We're just friends," said Raja, edging further away from her.

"Oh?" said Sasha, blinking with surprise and sharing a look with Shea.

"Yeah," added Manila hurriedly, "Raja just wanted to introduce me to like, everyone-"

"Well, we _did_ meet at the club, but it's a long story-"

"Yeah, because I don't really know that many people, so-"

"We're not dating," said Raja firmly, with as much finality as she could muster.

Shea glanced between them, expression bemused. Sasha still looked like she wasn't sure what was going on.

"Well, okay," said Shea, with a charming smile, "No worries, Sasha's mistake! I'm gonna get some more wine, it was nice to meet you, Manila."

"I'll come with you, I could use a refill!" announced Manila, offering a smile and following Shea. But her shoulders were tense, again. Sasha merely raised an eyebrow at Raja. Raja sighed.

-

The night went on, and Raja left Manila to fend for herself and hid in the bathroom. In the moment alone, Raja pondered whether everyone here thought that Manila was her girlfriend. It made her heart lift a little bit, and then sink as she recalled the boundaries she'd placed on their… friendship.

Raja looked at herself in the mirror, and noticed another grey hair on her head. Hmm. She attempted to hide it underneath the other pure black sections and then decided not to bother. Getting into a relationship with Manila would be impossible anyway until Manila got out of her current living situation. Raja had brought her here to meet people, and if Manila happened to find somebody she liked, she could go right ahead and start spending time with that person. It would probably be good for her. Hopefully she wouldn't choose Bianca, because Raja wouldn't be able to stand Bianca's smugness. Raja would continue looking for a partner, continue being a supportive friend to Manila, and everything would be fine. 

Right?

"Right," said Raja aloud to her reflection, as somebody knocked loudly on the bathroom door again. Raja exited, and made her way back to the kitchen. The party was getting quite loud, the music had been turned up and everyone was starting to look and act pretty wine-drunk. Including Manila, who Raja spied across the room, tucked up against the counter between Shea and Bianca, the three of them laughing uproariously. Her hair was coming loose from it's braid, and Manila was practically losing her balance, her cheeks flushed. Manila reached out to steady herself on Bianca's arm.

Raja turned around and wandered back into the living room. She located Carmen, who was talking with some others, and pulled her away. 

"I haven't seen you all night, where have you been?" said Carmen, giving Raja a one-armed hug, "I hate talking to all these lawyers."

"But Carmen, _you are_ a lawyer."

"I know, whatever."

"Do you have any weed?"

"Yeah."

"Balcony?"

"Balcony."

Raja gratefully followed Carmen out the glass sliding door to Bianca's balcony. Carmen gave her a mischievous smile and pulled a joint out of the inside of her jacket, flipping her honey-coloured hair out of the way and bringing it to her lips.

Raja smiled and felt nostalgic for a moment, recalling her and Carmen's love affair one summer, just after Carmen had made her transition official, getting all her documents updated. The celebratory feeling as they'd left the DMV, driving off into the sunset. The brief romance hadn't impacted their friendship, which had survived and thrived in the years since.

"So, I hear you're dating a nineteen-year-old straight girl?" said Carmen around the joint as she lit it. 

"Ugh, fucking broken telephone," complained Raja, rolling her eyes, "She's _twenty-four,_ we're _just friends,_ and she looks straight because she hasn't figured everything out yet, okay? She's from this shitty conservative Christian community, and- look, _I_ didn't have everything figured out when I was that age, alright, and _you_ sure as hell didn't either-"

"Who are you arguing with?" asked Carmen, exhaling smoke and offering Raja the joint.

"Sorry," sighed Raja, accepting the joint and bringing it to her lips, "Not you, obviously."

"What's actually bothering you?"

"I don't know," complained Raja, "I just wanted to introduce her to some people tonight because her family situation is, well, I'll try to explain it."

Raja tried to explain it. Afterwards, Carmen appeared both confused and concerned. 

"It sounds like she's in a cult."

"I don't think it's necessarily a _cult,_ I think that her parents are controlling, abusive fucks who shouldn't be keeping their adult kid trapped at home," said Raja, surprised by the voracity in her own voice.

"Hmm. It sounds like you're pretty invested, though."

"Yeah, well," replied Raja, passing the joint back to Carmen, "I think Bianca's trying to seduce her tonight so I'd better go deal with that-"

"Why?"

Raja looked at Carmen blankly, "Why? Because I brought her here and Bianca's just trying to distract herself since her and Courtney are on the rocks. Manila doesn't need to get dragged in to that-"

"You're jealous," replied Carmen, with a sly smile, beautiful lips closing around the joint once more.

"No I'm not, we're not dating."

"Do you like her?"

No one had asked that to Raja directly yet. Raja blinked, then crossed her arms and avoided Carmen's gaze. 

"She's too young and she's too complicated," stated Raja, seeking comfort in the rational, "It would be a mess. Imagine trying to date somebody who still lives at home, who's afraid to come out, who's trapped up in this whole homophobic church bullshit? I'm not going to put either of us through that." 

There, Raja had laid out her reasons. They made sense.

"You didn't answer the question," said Carmen, fixing Raja with a knowing look.

Raja sighed and rolled her eyes. Carmen let the subject drop.

-

Eventually Carmen and Raja came back inside and Carmen left with her boyfriend, declaring that the party was winding down anyway. Raja cautiously approached the kitchen once more. She'd at least say goodbye to Manila before she left. Raja peeked around the corner. The room was less busy than earlier and Manila was talking enthusiastically to Sasha, her curly hair now entirely loose and out of it's braid. Bianca was on her cell phone in the corner, talking rapidly into it, her voice tinged with emotion. It appeared Courtney had called. Pretending she wasn't immensely relieved, Raja made her way over to Manila. 

"Hey, I'm going to head out," said Raja.

"Aw, no," whined Manila, stumbling in to Raja, "I'm having such a good time… "

"And plenty of wine," said Sasha, with a wink in Raja's direction.

Ah. Raja noted Manila's flushed cheeks and unsteadiness.

"You can stay if you'd like," said Raja, stepping back from Manila, who followed, clinging to her arm.

"No, if you're going, I'm going-" said Manila, and then she laughed and turned back to Sasha, gushing, "You're so cool! It was so great to meet you… "

Sasha laughed, patted Manila's shoulder and gave a reply of a similar nature. 

"I'll make sure Bianca's okay," added Sasha, giving Raja an affectionate glance as she left the room.

Raja walked Manila to the door, where Manila sat down hard on the floor and pulled her shoes on, talking on and on about how great everyone at the party was.

They left the building and stumbled out into the windy street, Manila still clinging to Raja's arm.

"Are you taking the subway or are you calling a cab?" asked Raja. Manila pouted at her in response and didn't answer, so Raja laughed at her and continued, "Okay, I'm gonna come with you, you probably shouldn't travel alone like this… "

"No, you can't come with me," said Manila, pulling away dramatically, "My mom will ask me about you, they notice _everything…_ "

Raja considered that to be the least of their problems. She sighed and ran a hand over her face, tired. The weed was hitting her. Drunk people were annoying.

"I'm gonna call you a cab-"

"Can I crash at your place?"

"Uh," said Raja, confused, "Don't you… _have_ to be home?"

Manila paused, her lip trembling, "Yeah, but-"

Manila reached out and gripped the lapels of Raja's jacket, much to her surprise.

"I don't want to-" mumbled Manila under her breath, pressing her face into Raja's shirt, "I like this so much better-"

"Alright," said Raja, taking Manila's hands and trying to pry her off, "You're drunk and this is stupid, I'm calling a cab-" she looked down to fish her phone out of her pocket.

Suddenly Manila's face was very close to hers, her eyes wide. In Raja's split second of hesitation, as her hand froze around her phone in her pocket… Manila stood up on her toes and their lips met. 

It was a messy kiss. But not unpleasant, and Raja found herself responding without even thinking. Her hand went from her pocket to Manila's waist, her phone forgotten, a thrill shooting down her spine-

But Manila tasted very strongly like red wine and it brought Raja crashing back to reality.

Raja broke the kiss and stepped back, and forcefully removing Manila's hands from her jacket. 

"O-kay, you're _really_ drunk," said Raja, looking at Manila, who's expression was embarrassed, horrified. Manila covered her mouth with her hands, her hair flying into her face in the sudden gust of wind.

Raja needed this night to be over, like _right now._ Out of the corner of her eye Raja saw a taxi and she leapt out into the road to flag it down. Like she was on autopilot, Manila opened the cab door and got in, before turning and opening her mouth to speak.

"Raja, I'm sor-"

Raja shut the vehicle's door. The cab pulled away.

Raja power-walked down the street in the cool evening wind, her heart sinking, hoping that if she just walked fast enough it would make everything less confusing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raja is lonely and confused as hell but when Manila comes over again certain things become a lot clearer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is one hundred and fifty percent pure idiots in love with a tablespoon of angst lmao because thats what i do. this fic is rated E for the content here on out. e m o t i o n a l s m u t. this slow burn is a pretty fast burn actually lol.
> 
> cw: fingering, oral sex, raja's previously established titty fetish, etc

Raja woke up the next morning and checked her phone. There was a drunk text from Bianca, and some kind of Indonesian language meme sent from her dad at seven a.m. with no context, and a few work emails. Nothing from Manila.

Hmm.

Raja got up, had coffee and tried not to think. It didn't work. Last night had started out well. Introducing Manila to everyone had gone smoothly, they seemed to like her and she was comfortable around them, comfortable enough to have some wine. Or did she drink when she was uncomfortable? Raja wasn't sure. 

Raja sighed deeply and got up to pace her kitchen. Manila had been pretty drunk and Raja had been trying to figure out the best way to get her home safely and then… and then Manila had kissed her.

Raja bit her lip, recalling it. Soft, a little messy due to Manila's state, but… god, fuck, even thinking about it was turning Raja on because there was _so much more_ she wanted to do with Manila. So much more that she definitely couldn't do. They were going to have work past this somehow. Raja wondered if she should just give up on their friendship entirely for her own sanity. But no, Manila clearly needed this connection, she needed somebody outside of her home community.

Raja's phone rang and she jumped in surprise, and then went over and looked at the screen. Manila. Shit. Raja sighed deeply and steadied herself before answering.

"Hey Manila."

"Hey," came Manila's cautious voice from the other end, "Uh, I just wanted to talk to you. Is this okay?"

"Yeah," said Raja, running a hand through her hair, "So… last night."

"Yeah-" said Manila. Suddenly her voice was firm, authoritative, and directed at someone on her end of the line, "Andy, I told you _not to touch_ Kaya's hair! You do that again and _no one_ is getting a cookie." 

Raja stifled a laugh, leaning against the counter. There was absolutely no trace of caution or hesitation in Manila's voice.

"Where are you?" asked Raja, amused.

Manila replied, wry, "I'm babysitting my little cousins. I'm hungover and it's too early for all of this. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize…" said Raja, with a smile that she knew Manila couldn't see but hoped she might hear in her voice, "Am _I_ allowed to have a cookie, or is it a blanket rule?"

Manila burst into laughter and Raja's heart soared for a moment. Maybe everything would be okay.

"We should talk about it, right?" sighed Manila, "That's what we're supposed to do..."

"We don't need to," replied Raja, "It doesn't need to change anything. You were drunk, it was a-"

" _Andy!_ " interrupted Manila, loudly, "That's it, take the dog outside _now_ and stay out. Kaya, come here-"

Raja let the word _mistake_ die on her mouth and listened as Manila comforted what sounded like an upset five-year-old. It was an odd little window into her life. Manila's voice carried through.

"I'm just trying to talk on the phone right now sweetie, it's okay, where's your Barbie?"

"Who are you talkin' to?" came a child's voice.

"Just a friend," sighed Manila tiredly, and Raja pressed the phone a little harder against her ear, listening. There was the sound of some shuffling and the opening and shutting of a door.

"Okay, I bought us some time," said Manila, "They're distracted and all the adults are at Costco."

"Except you," teased Raja gently. 

"Oh right," laughed Manila, "Yeah, I guess I shouldn't have had so much to drink last night, it always leads to weird decisions… but I had a good time. Your friends are great, Raja, you're lucky to have them."

"Thanks, they liked you too."

Raja stared at her shiny linoleum floor, unsure of how to proceed, and thinking again about how Manila never accepted alcohol from her. Had Manila been worried about something like this? Or had the kiss just been a drunken impulse? The silence hung between them.

"But I, uh, I really shouldn't have done that," whispered Manila, and Raja immediately knew what she was referring to. The pain that Manila usually hid so well was suddenly raw in her voice.

"I'm not offended, if that's what you're worried about-"

"No, no, I really like you, but this just isn't… this isn't something I can do," continued Manila, voice tight, "I'm not trying to lead you on or anything, I just- I really don't know-"

Raja sighed deeply, "It's okay. Would you like to come over this week?"

"I shouldn't-"

"How about Monday?" pressed Raja.

"I- okay," managed Manila, her voice returning to normal, "Okay. But just for an hour after work, I can't keep lying to them-"

"I know, it's alright. I'm here whenever you need me."

"Okay. Uh," a pause, and Raja hung onto the sound of Manila's voice like it was a lifeline, "I'll see you then."

"Good luck with your little cousins."

"Thanks," There was a smile in Manila's voice. "I'll need it."

"Bye."

With that Raja hung up and pressed her wrist to her forehead, letting out a slow breath. This was becoming stressful, and Raja was beginning to feel herself not only getting invested, not only caring for Manila's wellbeing as that angry, protective flame burned hot in her chest, but maybe… Raja cut herself off. They'd barely even kissed. There was no need to go down that path. There would be _no yearning whatsoever._

-

The weekend sped by as Raja did errands and chores and did _not_ yearn. Usually she'd seek out her friends to talk through this kind of situation, but she decided to keep what had happened after the party to herself for now.

Raja was almost embarrassed for herself, because normally a casual kiss wouldn't throw her for a loop like this. Casual sex was easy for her, and her committed relationships has come and gone with relative ease. She'd never been the type of person to fall head over heels for anybody, let alone somebody she wasn't even sleeping with. Raja may have privately indulged in _some_ yearning, lying on her couch and listening to Tracy Chapman.

But Monday rolled around far sooner than Raja expected, and she rushed home to shower and frantically tidy her apartment. Unfortunately, she heard the downstairs door to her building buzz while she was still getting dressed. Cursing to herself and pulling on a white-button up without bothering with a bra, Raja buzzed Manila up, and attempted to finish getting ready.

"Hi," said Manila, shutting the door behind her as she came in.

"Hey, how'd it go with your little cousins?" asked Raja quickly, going over to the doorway and leaning against the wall.

"It went fine, they're little brats you just have to know how to handle them… " Manila trailed off, her eyes flicking from Raja's face to her chest. Raja glanced down and realized that she'd only buttoned her shirt up half-way… and it was more transparent than she'd remembered. Her dark nipples were clearly visible through the fabric. Oh. 

"Yeah, kids are crazy right-" said Raja loudly, turning and reaching for a sweater that hung off on the back of the couch and pulling it on over her head, "Come in, by the way. It's nice to see you."

Manila moved around Raja and sat down on the couch, her hands pressed together. Raja took her in. Work clothes, a blouse and slacks, the glint of the gold cross necklace on her collarbone. Her hair was held back in a claw clip, and her eyes were hesitant.

"Would you like some water or anything?" asked Raja. 

Manila shook her head, "No thanks."

Raja nodded in acknowledgement. Awkward silence. 

"You're going to tell your family you're working late?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

Raja turned and went to the kitchen to take a deep breath and pour herself a glass of water. She took a long drink, and wiped the back of her hand across her mouth, staring down at the counter and thinking. Maybe if they didn't mention it, if they just chilled out and listened to music, things would feel less strange. Raja just wanted Manila to relax again, to feel safe with her.

Raja heard movement and turned. Manila stood at the edge of the kitchen, picking at her nails, stress in the lines of her body. Raja sighed. Perhaps things really were too weird between them.

"Look, uh," began Raja, "We don't need to hang out today, if it's too weird… "

Manila glanced up and shook her head, taking a few steps into the room before stopping and leaning against the counter.

"No, it's just, I haven't kissed another girl- uh, woman, in a while like since I was in college," said Manila abruptly, cautious, "Not that I haven't wanted to."

"Oh," said Raja, distinctly surprised, "Really? Well," she managed a single syllable laugh, "Kind of a pathetic way to get back into it, huh?"

Manila huffed a laugh and some of the tension eased between them. She shifted over a little closer to Raja, still leaning against the counter. 

"It wasn't _that_ pathetic," said Manila, a mischievous glint in her eye. 

"I dunno, I was there," said Raja, "It was pretty pathetic, I'm embarrassed for you."

Manila laughed again, and pouted jokingly, "No, come on, really?"

"Yeah," winced Raja, patting Manila's shoulder, "Yeah, it's gonna be a difficult story tell your grand-kids, Manila."

"Like that's my top priority… " Manila rolled her eyes, tilting her head to the side.

The awkward tension had diminished but a different kind of tension surged, sudden electricity seemed to pass through Manila's shoulder into Raja's hand, going directly to her core. Raja quickly dropped her hand and crossed her arms. A microscopic shiver passed over Manila.

"I don't want it to be the last time," said Manila quietly. 

"You've got your whole life," replied Raja, stepping back and giving her space, "You have time to figure everything out, and there are so many people out there-"

"I meant with you."

Raja's breath froze, and Manila stepped forward until there were only mere inches between them. Manila touched the loose edge of Raja's sweater, toying the soft wool between her fingers and then she glanced back up at Raja, tilting her head back. Raja's heart raced, and very slowly she caressed the back of Manila's neck, waiting for a moment and scanning her face. Raja searched for hesitancy, for caution, for anything that would tell her to stop. But there was nothing. Manila wasn't afraid.

Raja kissed her.

Everything else dropped away. 

Manila bunched Raja's sweater in her fists. A combination of affection and relief swept through Raja's body like a hurricane, as she caressed the back of Manila's neck and tasted her lips, their bodies suddenly flush, magnetized to each other. Manila held on to Raja like she was a life-raft.

As Manila's tongue brushed her own Raja's feelings transformed rapidly, sending a jolt of hot desire down her spine. She was going to have to get that under control real quick. The repressed, pent-up attraction to Manila that had been building inside of Raja since the night they'd met was back in full force. 

Raja stepped back, practically dizzy from the intensity. Manila looked equally dazed, one hand still balled in Raja's sweater, not letting her out of arm's reach. Raja instructed her hormones to chill the fuck out.

"That was, uh, that was nice," said Raja, nodding vaguely.

"Yeah," replied Manila, breathless, "It was."

"I guess we should-"

"We should do that again."

"Oh, uh-"

Raja didn't even get to finish her sentence as Manila surged back to her, taking Raja's face in her hands and kissing her again. Manila stroked Raja's jaw and ran her hand up into her hair. Raja felt electricity coursing through her, and the smell of Manila's skin, finally so close to her, was hypnotic. Raja roughening the contact with her teeth, and tongue, eliciting a small moan from the back of Manila's throat as Raja bit her bottom lip. Raja stroked Manila's back, her shoulder blades down to her hips. Manila lost her balance for a second, laughing, pulling Raja back with her until her back hit the kitchen counter.

"Get up on the counter," ordered Raja, her voice low and authoritative, but then she hesitated. Even though Raja considered herself quite versatile, dominance was always her first instinct. But it was best practice to ask if the other person was into that before just ordering them around-

Raja cleared her throat, "Sorry, I mean-"

But Manila's eyes were dark with desire, and with a jump she hoisted herself up onto the counter, "It's okay-"

Reminding herself take this slowly, Raja moved in, placing herself between Manila's knees. Manila wrapped her legs around Raja's back with a giggle. Raja delicately kissed Manila's neck, tasting her skin. As Raja had anticipated, it was wonderful, making her completely heady. Especially as Manila gasped and held her closer, arms and legs wrapped around Raja's back.

Raja sucked on a sensitive spot just below Manila's jaw, drawing out a heavy breath of pleasure, and Raja bit gently, adoring her-

"No, wait stop-" said Manila, and Raja pulled back, looking at her, "You can't leave a mark, they'll notice-"

"I won't, it's alright," soothed Raja, stroking Manila's cheek, "Do you want to keep going?"

Manila let out a breath, her cheeks flushed, eyes full of desire, "Yes. Do you? Are you okay?"

"I'm so much better than okay."

Manila laughed, squeezing Raja's hips with her knees, "You would be…"

"Mmm," hummed Raja, "Yeah, you've got me. I'm a horny old woman."

"You're not _that_ old. You're what, ninety-seven?"

"Ooh, someone's got an attitude."

"And what, exactly," asked Manila, biting her lip and cocking her head to one side, challenging, "Are you going to do about that?"

Raja inhaled sharply. She _loved_ role-play, she loved brat taming, and admittedly Trixie was _great_ in that role, but Manila was… well, Manila was something else entirely. But given what Manila had said earlier, her experience was limited. She might not know where her boundaries sat quite yet, especially for anything kinky. They could take things slow, communicate and figure it out. 

"Oh, I don't know," mused Raja, tracing the top button of Manila's shirt, "I guess I'll have to dole out a little punishment."

Manila giggled and kissed her again, swift and playful, holding Raja tight like she might slip away at any minute.

"Should we move this to my bedroom?" whispered Raja into Manila's ear.

"I'd like that," replied Manila, and she gently pushed Raja back so she could slide off the counter.

Raja led her out of the kitchen down the short hall to her bedroom. Raja flicked the light on and paused. Her bed was at least made, because she was a functional adult who made her bed every morning, but the room was messy. Manila didn't seem to notice, she just took Raja's hand and dragged them both on to the bed, rolling onto her back with a laugh.

Raja sat up on her knees and hauled her sweater over her head, tossing it onto the floor beside the bed while Manila lay watching. Raja crawled on top of Manila, lowering her body until they were flush together, watching her expression carefully before brushing their lips together again.

"That shirt is so see-through," commented Manila dryly, as Raja kissed down her jaw to her sublime neck once more.

"And did you like what you saw?" asked Raja, kissing down to her collarbone. 

"I…. did," laughed Manila, "I came in the door so determined to be chill and then I was like 'oh no, why is her shirt like transparent?'"

"It wasn't intentional, I tried to fit in a shower before you arrived, forgot to put a bra on after."

"I kept trying to tell myself I wasn't attracted to you… it was driving me crazy."

"I kept trying to tell myself the same thing," sighed Raja, sitting back up to straddle Manila's hips and pulling the white button up over her head. Manila's eyes widened as Raja's naked torso came into view, and she let out a steadying breath. 

Manila frantically unbuttoned her own blouse, and Raja helped, starting at the bottom until they met in the middle and Manila struggled out of the arms, throwing it aside. Her bra was a plain beige tone, and Raja ran her finger down Manila's chest from her collarbone to the bridge at the centre of the bra. Raja grinned.

"Can I…?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

Raja reached underneath Manila and easily unhooked her bra, allowing Manila to ease the straps off her arms and toss it to the side. Raja slid down Manila's body, so that her stomach was pressing between her legs. As such, Raja could focus all of her attention on Manila's tits, which were small but round and beautiful and perfect, her pale pink nipples pebbled and erect. Mmm.

Raja kissed the side of her breast, licking her soft skin, palming the opposite one with her hand, immensely turned on and satisfied by the soft shape. She was never sure what exactly it was that made her so obsessed with breasts, it was a fetish that she didn't reflect on too deeply. Might as well enjoy what she enjoyed, right?

Manila's back arched as Raja swirled her tongue around her nipple and sucked on it. To Raja's immense satisfaction, a small moan escaped Manila throat as Raja pinched slightly with her opposite hand, and then traded off, licking the opposite nipple and gently sucking the soft skin around it. Manila's hands tangled in Raja's hair. 

"You can leave a mark there if you want," murmured Manila, and Raja looked up at her, confused. Manila explained, "Because it won't show."

"Do you want me to?" purred Raja, rolling Manila's nipple between her fingers.

"I want you to leave marks all over me," breathed Manila, "I want to know that this _happened._ "

The warmth between Raja's legs grew even hotter and she sucked an aggressive hickie right onto the side of Manila's breast, and continued, bringing pink marks to the surface of Manila's pale skin, knowing they'd deepen to dark bruises. Manila gasped, rolling her hips, which made them both very aware of the fact that they were still partially clothed. 

"I'm gonna take your pants off," murmured Manila, pushing herself up on her elbows. 

"Please do," replied Raja only half ironically, rolling off of Manila onto her back. 

Manila sat up, easily pulling Raja's black leggings down and wrestling them off her long legs. Manila carefully Raja's foot in her hand, glancing up at her, and then bent Raja's leg, and then kissed the top of her foot, right where it met her ankle. Caressing her calf, Manila shuffled up further, kissing her way up Raja's leg and touching the sensitive back of her knee, and tracing her fingers along her thigh. Manila's mouth was quick and soft and curious, tickling just a little. Raja watched her, thoroughly enamoured, suddenly very aware of how wet she was, likely soaking through her underwear.

"You have incredible legs," murmured Manila, dusting her fingers across the delicate skin of Raja's inner thigh, enticing her to shiver in response, "I'm sure everyone tells you that."

"Hmm, maybe one or two of my many lovers and accolades… "

Manila gave Raja a _look_ and gently smacked her thigh, "Now you're the one being a brat."

Raja couldn't help but smile affectionately as Manila went back to kissing her way up her thigh, and Raja's heart skipped a beat with anticipation. Manila gently kissed Raja's inner thigh, running her opposite hand across the edge of Raja's underwear, and then raised her head and sat back up on her knees.

"Uh," laughed Manila, gesturing nervously, "I don't really- I _have_ done this before but it was a while ago and I definitely wasn't this sober… "

"What do you want to do?" replied Raja, with a grin.

"I want…" said Manila, ghosting a hand over Raja's stomach, "I want to touch you."

"I want to touch you too."

Manila laughed again, bringing her hand to her face, embarrassed, "I can't believe this is happening."

Raja didn't reply, instead she sat up, encouraging Manila to take her own work slacks off, which she did, revealing baby blue cotton underwear. Raja could understand her nervousness given the complex context of their relationship, Manila's life and everything that had happened leaden up to this moment. Raja gathered her into her lap so that Manila sat straddling her, chest to chest, their faces very close together, bodies now only covered by their respective underwear. Raja's desire was deep, thorough, she could feel it warm throughout her entire body. But she held it under control with steady patience.

They made out indulgently, extra and messy, tongues in one another's mouths. Manila ran her hands all over Raja's skin, touching her back, her shoulders and her breasts like she couldn't get enough. Raja stroked Manila's hair, her waist, touched her sensitive nipples again, and then finally broke their kiss, ghosting her fingers down Manila's stomach and paused at the waistband of Manila's underwear, awaiting permission. Manila pressed her face into Raja's neck and nodded. Raja finally finally _finally_ ran her fingers down over the mound of Manila's pubic bone to stroke the folds of her pussy through her underwear. 

Manila let out an absolutely filthy moan, and Raja repeated the motion, agonizingly slowly, and then again. Manila's entire body flushed, and Raja felt the warmth radiating from Manila's skin as she let out another desperate moan, much to Raja's satisfaction. Raja kept stroking, maintaining a slow, teasing rhythm, feeling Manila's wetness as it soaked through her underwear. Manila rocked her hips, trying to catch some friction, but Raja refused her, maintaing her delicate, agonizingly slow strokes.

"Raja," breathed Manila, pressing her cheek to Raja's own, "Mmh, I want you to fuck me."

It was like a jolt of lightning. Raja scrabbled to get Manila on her back without knocking their heads together, and Manila threw out an arm for support, lowering herself. It was almost comedic but neither of them were laughing this time. Breath shallow, Raja peeled Manila's underwear down to her knees, and Manila kicked it off her feet. Unable to resist any longer, Raja got down between Manila's legs and spread them apart. Without any further ceremony Raja went for her clit, swirling her tongue around it and setting a fast rhythm. Manila bit back a surprised exclamation, her chest rising and falling with rapid breath. Raja took a moment to taste her, dipping her tongue into Manila's opening, eliciting a yelp. Raja couldn't help it, she let out a small laugh, completely high on the taste. 

But Raja had a job to do, and she rubbed Manila's clit with her thumb, her opposite hand holding down her hip, her tongue working her pussy. Manila's volume increased, her tone practically disbelieving, her back arching. Her skin was flushed pink. Raja hoped her neighbours couldn't hear and then realized that she didn't give a shit if they did, because this was fucking _excellent._

Raja returned her mouth to Manila's clit, hitting the rhythm with her tongue, not bothering to draw it out but rather giving Manila everything she needed until very soon Manila was pressing both hands to her mouth, barely containing her noise, her back arched, her legs shaking and she came with a loud, almost agonized moan. Raja stroked her through it, and Manila wound down, panting, reaching for her. Raja slid back up, kissing Manila's face as her shallow breath returned to normal, and she clutched Raja close. 

Utter peace settled in Raja's mind, completely blank as she inhaled the smell of Manila's hair. But her own body was still aroused, the ache warm between her legs. 

"Can I touch you?" asked Manila, after a couple minutes of general recovery, "That was… that was _insane,_ by the way."

Raja laughed briefly with satisfaction, and then said, "Yeah, you can touch me. Thank you, I like to think I'm pretty good at that."

Manila let out a snort, and then shrugged, "I mean, I can't disagree."

Yes, Raja was _very good_ at sex, fuck whatever Bianca had to say about it. Bianca had never had the pleasure of experiencing it and she never would. Ha!

Manila cautiously touched the edge of Raja's underwear, and Raja rolled from her side onto her back, efficiently taking the black cotton boyshorts off and tossing them aside. Manila propped herself up on her elbow, lying beside her, sliding her fingers between Raja's legs. Hesitating for a moment, but then gently stroking up and down, Raja's body already slick. Raja sighed contentedly and relaxed, her legs falling further open. Manila kissed Raja's neck and collarbone, maintaining the pleasant rhythm with her. Raja tilted her hips up towards Manila's hand, attempting to communicate what she wanted with body language alone. 

Manila seemed to understand, and slid her fingers down, nervously pressing her index finger against Raja's pussy. 

"You won't hurt me," soothed Raja, stroking Manila's shoulder, "It's okay, if it does I'll tell you to stop."

"Okay," murmured Manila, slipping her finger inside of Raja, who watched her face as she did it. Manila's brow furrowed just a little, concentrating. But Manila seemed to know what to do, maintaining the same rhythm she'd been before and then hooking her finger just a little. Raja exhaled sharply. That felt quite good.

"Add another one," instructed Raja. 

Manila had the audacity to smirk at her, and then did, pushing her middle finger in. The extra width was perfect, and Raja allowed a small moan to leave her lips, which seemed to excite Manila who increased her rhythm and pressure. Raja didn't usually put on much of a show when she expressed pleasure but since Manila seemed to need the reassurance Raja let her back arch, sighing again and running her tongue over her teeth. Manila shifted and then reached down with her opposite hand, touching Raja's clit with a rough rhythm that was too much-

"Mm, no, gently," said Raja. While Raja like giving it to other people rough, she herself was often physically sensitive.

"Oh, sorry," murmured Manila, immediately changing it. That felt better.

"Ah, don't apologize," sighed Raja, absentmindedly stroking Manila's hair, "That's starting to feel really good…"

After another very pleasant couple minutes, Raja's toes were curling with pleasure. Manila watch her face, expression curious and reverent as Raja came, biting her lip and shutting her eyes as the waves of pleasure rolled over her.

Manila withdrew her fingers when Raja was finished, and looked at her hand with surprise. Raja knew her own body had a tendency to get super wet with just about any stimulus, and wasn't embarrassed by it. People had a tendency to enjoy that about her. Manila licked her fingers experimentally, and then brought them into her mouth, sucking them off.

"Filthy," commented Raja, her orgasm fading, leaving her with a feeling of deep content.

Manila smiled and cuddled into Raja's side, running the fingers that had just been in her mouth across Raja's bottom lip. Raja took Manila's fingers in her mouth, biting down gently as Manila giggled. Raja pushed Manila's hand aside playfully and then got up on her elbow, kissing her. Raja reached for the edge of her duvet and pulled it around them both, rolling them up until she was spooning Manila under the blanket, their warm bodies fitting perfectly together. Manila sighed gently and they both lay in silence. 

Reality eked it's way back in to Raja's mind, becoming clearer through her post-orgasm haze. This was good, it had been _so good,_ amazing even but… but Manila still had to go back home to her closeted, oppressive life. And all the feelings that Raja had been trying very hard to deny were foaming up.

"You know what?" murmured Manila, threading her fingers with Raja's, "I thought I'd feel guilty, after. Every time I imagined doing it again I thought, 'No, I can't because I'm going to feel terrible after, I'm going to feel so guilty just like I did my first time, I'm going to feel like I've failed.' But I don't. I feel… fine. It feels like this is right."

"You have no idea how happy that makes me," whispered Raja, her heart lifting at the words, "I'd never want you to feel bad or guilty."

Manila nodded and they lay in silence.

"I mean," added Raja, not wanting to burst this soft, warm and peaceful bubble but knowing it had to be done, "Sometimes I get like, a hormone crash after, so…"

"Hmm, are you crashing now?"

"A little."

"What are you thinking about?" murmured Manila.

Raja breathed smell of Manila's hair deep into her lungs, the vague scent of conditioner, the lingering scent of the street from her walk over, the animal smell of her scalp, and replied, "I'm thinking about how I'd like you to stay over, but that's not possible. You have to go home."

Manila sighed, "Yeah, I do."

They lay in silence again, and then Raja's stomach gurgled loudly and she realized that neither of them had eaten dinner yet. Raja got up, tossing off the blanket. 

"Do you want to shower with me?"

"I can't," said Manila, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, "My mom will ask how my hair got wet."

A spike of pure anger at Manila's parents lanced through Raja, though she'd never even met them.

"I'd like to wash off," added Manila, with a small smile, "We did get a little messy."

"There's washcloths on the shelf in the bathroom."

Manila nodded and got up, gathering her clothes from around the bed. Raja passed Manila her bra with a wink, noting the now-red marks on her chest, and Manila scoffed with mock exasperation and took it before going to the bathroom. Raja heard the sink running. 

Raja got a fresh pair of underwear out of her drawer and put on the rest of her clothes. She wandered into the kitchen, washed her hands and opened the fridge, taking out some leftovers. The afterglow was always precious and too short. Reality came back far too quickly. Raja took the opportunity for rehydrate herself, picking up her abandoned water glass from earlier. There was still electricity lingering in the kitchen air. Manila. Raja smiled to herself involuntarily, and covered her mouth with her hand.

After another couple minutes, Manila came back out dressed in her work clothes once again. Catching sight of Raja in the kitchen she paused, and then let out a big laugh, her body language self-conscious but happy, joyful even. 

"Still feeling good?" inquired Raja.

"I feel like I'm floating."

"I've been told I have that affect on women," replied Raja, with a grin.

"Ha! Someone thinks she's special."

"Aw, crushing my poor ego already? You must have learned that from my terrible friends."

Manila rolled her eyes to the ceiling, still smiling and then sighed. The moment hung between them, stretching out as long as it could until it broke. 

"Well, I guess I'd better go," said Manila, looking around for her shoes and her bag. 

"Yeah," murmured Raja, moving around the end of the counter and hovering by the doorway. 

Manila found her things, and then all too soon she was ready to go, turning towards Raja. A moment of uncertainty crossed her face. 

"Are we still okay to meet up Friday as usual?" asked Manila.

"Of course," said Raja, pulling her in for a hug, kissing the top of her head, "Call me if you have a moment this week, I'll be around."

"Yeah, my schedule, I don't know- but I want to see you… "

"We will. Friday for sure."

Manila moved to the door and opened it, and then she glanced over her shoulder and gave Raja an absolutely glowing smile. Raja couldn't help but dart over to take Manila's face in her hands and kiss her goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't have a ton of experience writing smut so constructive feedback on the sex scenes specifically would be welcome :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raja and Manila try some fun new things (in bed), but Manila's life situation and internalized issues raise their heads again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no oh god they're dating. this chapter got so melodramatic you guys, I'm (not) sorry. enjoy!
> 
> cw: mild trauma around the construct of virginity, internalized homophobia, strap-ons, emotional smut, bianca's terrible advice

"So wait," said Bianca, putting her glass of wine down and narrowing her eyes, "You _did_ fuck Manila?"

Raja rolled her eyes, bringing her own glass of wine to her lips and taking another sip. Her legs were folded beneath her on Bianca's couch, and she'd just finished explaining to Bianca the developments in her romantic life over the past few weeks. They'd both been busy and hadn't had the time to catch up properly until tonight.

"Yeah," confirmed Raja, "We're sleeping together and it's _fucking amazing_ and I hate myself a little bit."

"Well, don't just hate yourself _a little bit,_ " returned Bianca, with a smirk, "If you're gonna hate yourself, you've really gotta _go for it._ "

"Shut up," complained Raja, "You're being a bad friend."

"No, I'm being a great friend because _I_ didn't fuck her. You know I could have, she was into me."

"You were drunk-crying into your phone in the middle of your own party, dumbass," teased Raja, "You think she'd've wanted you anyway?"

Bianca cackled and slapped Raja's knee. 

A few weeks had passed since she and Manila had first become intimate, and well… it had continued. It was impossible for Raja to get enough of her, and they spent as much of their limited time together having sex as they did talking. Manila wanted to explore everything. It was endlessly fun, pleasurable and satisfying. Raja hadn't been getting this much out of her sexual encounters in a while. The only problem was it wasn't often enough, because Manila needed to keep her web of lies as straightforward as possible. They also didn't see each other outside of Raja's apartment. It would be nice to go out on a real date or something. 

"She's got a fucked up home life, right?" said Bianca, as Raja took another sip of wine, "Fundamentalist Christian parents that're real controlling or whatever? Won't let her move out until she's agreed to marry some guy and crank out a few babies?"

"Essentially, yes," replied Raja, with a frustrated sigh, "It's like her family is living in the fucking nineteen-fifties."

"Huh," said Bianca, twisting her wine glass in her hand, "What's she going to do about that?"

"We haven't really talked about it yet," admitted Raja. They'd both been avoiding the subject. "I don't know."

"So, you two are just casual then," stated Bianca.

It wasn't casual. It wasn't casual because of the trust Raja saw on Manila's face every time she leaned in to kiss her. Manila had shown Raja her desire and her sexuality, the very thing she kept so deeply hidden in her own world. It wasn't casual because there had been months of a bizarre, confusing attempt at friendship before they'd ever even touched. But really, it was Raja's protective anger, which had grown from a spark into a flame, and burnt to hot embers, more than anything, that Raja could never describe as casual.

"It's not casual," said Raja, slowly, "But we're not like, _really dating,_ either."

"Well… you're a bit fucked, aren't you?"

"A bit, yeah. I'm still getting laid more than you."

"I don't know," replied Bianca, with a self-satisfied smirk, "When Courtney comes over we can go for hours… days, even. "

"Manila always has a time limit," sighed Raja with frustration, "She won't even stay over. It's annoying as hell."

"That's a crying shame, bitch."

"Truly."

They both took sips of their wine, and Raja changed the subject. 

-

"I want to show you something," said Raja, slightly out of breath, on her back, turning her mouth away from Manila's to speak. Manila stopped grinding on Raja's thigh and cocked her head to one side. Her hair was barely held back in a messy ponytail. They were lying half-clothed on top of Raja's bed, making out, very ready for things to get intimate. It was after work for both of them on a Tuesday. Manila's excuse tonight was that she was getting dinner with her coworkers.

"What is it?" asked Manila.

"I have to get up to get it," replied Raja, bucking her hips gently against Manila's.

"But I'm having _such_ a nice time…" complained Manila as she rolled off of Raja, letting her up. Manila was in her underwear, her open button-up shirt showing her belly, lounging on her side. Raja sat up on the bed, brushing her hair back out of her eyes and bent down, pulling a small plastic bin out from underneath the bed. She opened it and looked over her stash. 

There were multiple vibrators with varying levels of power, a few different dildos, a couple different harnesses. There may have been a riding crop further hidden further underneath her bed, but Raja didn't think Manila was ready for that… yet. Raja wiggled her fingers and then made her selection, quickly strapping the small green silicone dildo to the front of her favourite harness. Then she bent back up and turned, placing it on the bed between them. 

Manila blinked and stared at it, and then burst into laughter. 

"Is that a… how would that even work?"

It didn't surprise Raja that Manila had yet to be introduced to the wonderful world of strap-ons, in fact she'd been ready for a similar answer. She was just glad that Manila didn't seem immediately repulsed by it. 

So Raja explained how it worked, where it would sit on her body, what she'd do with it then she made it vibrate for a moment. Manila seemed curious until it came to the matter of her own involvement. 

"You want to put that thing inside me?" said Manila, looking doubtful. 

"No," replied Raja, voice low and confident, ghosting her fingers up Manila's thigh, "I want to touch every inch of you, I want to tease you and turn you on until you're so desperate for me that you can't even remember your own name, and then you're gonna _beg me_ to put this thing inside you."

Manila's breath hitched with excitement and her eyes darkened, and Raja knew her description had elicited a positive response. But she didn't want Manila to feel pressured, or like there was only one way of doing things.

"Alternatively," said Raja, with a smile, "You can wear it and fuck me."

"That does sound fun…"

Manila sat up, shifting so she was sitting cross-legged. Her expression was thoughtful, eyebrows drawing together.

"What are you thinking?" asked Raja. 

"It looks like a dick," stated Manila. 

Raja glanced back down at the green silicone phallus. It wasn't exactly realistic-looking. 

"You know real penises don't look like that, right?" said Raja cautiously. 

Manila laughed and smacked her arm, "Obviously, Raja! Shut up."

But then she sighed, and Raja waited sensed there was something more.

"It's just kind of weird," began Manila, a little too casually, "Uh, have you ever heard of the gum metaphor?"

"No?"

"It's something they used to tell all the girls at church, when we were maybe eleven or twelve," murmured Manila, "They'd hold up a stick of gum and say it represented our bodies, right. And obviously we had to save ourselves for the right person, because if we didn't… well, then they'd take the wrapper off and chew up the gum, then spit it back out and try to put it back in the wrapper, and ask, who wants a piece of gum once it's been chewed up and spat out by somebody else?"

"Jesus fucking Christ," replied Raja, blunt in her shock, "That's what they told you having sex would do to you?"

"It felt like a protect-your-virginity-at-all-costs situation," continued Manila, with a sigh, "It made me stressed out for years. Like, intellectually I know it's totally fake, but it still gets to me sometimes."

"Well, that's beyond fucked up," said Raja, instinctively pulling Manila in to comfort her and kissing the top of her head. Obviously people internalized a lot of negative concepts, and Raja had certainly struggled with her own, but nobody had ever told her that having sex would _ruin her._ Fuck.

"It _is_ messed up," agreed Manila, grimacing, "I'm sorry this stuff keeps coming up-"

"It's alright."

"Anyway," said Manila, taking in a deep breath and letting it out, "It's just a piece of plastic."

And suddenly the context of the whole conversation clicked into place.

"Yeah, this isn't any different from any of the other ways we have sex," stated Raja, shifting over and stroking Manila's back, "It's just a shape, you're not gonna be used or ruined or any bullshit like that afterwards. You won't be any different except that we'll add this to the list of things you like… or don't like. Virginity is a construct anyway, like gender, like everything."

Manila laughed and leaned in to Raja, pressing her face into her neck, "Yeah, I like that perspective a lot better… "

"Besides, I feast on the blood of virgins," joked Raja in an evil villain voice, and Manila laughed again, her breath warm in Raja's neck, snaking an arm round her waist, "And I've been saving you for my satanic ritual, it's happening tonight, hope you're feeling _extra pure._ "

"Oh no, how could you?" whined Manila, clutching at Raja's shirt, play-acting campily, "I was _so_ innocent before we met, and now I'm about to be sacrificed!"

Raja shifted, lying down on her back and Manila crawled on top of her, kissing her neck and giggling. They fit so well together. Raja hugged Manila tight.

"Mmm, you aren't _that_ innocent," murmured Raja into Manila's neck, "You told me about the girls at art college… and I saw the way you were looking at me."

"Yes, you're dangerously attractive," replied Manila dryly.

"My seductive powers have only expanded as I've aged, I can't help it."

Manila kissed Raja in return, then smiled mischievously and said, "I guess they're pretty potent at ninety-seven."

Raja protested, wriggling against Manila and trying to roll her over but Manila wrestled her arms down, pinning Raja's wrists on either side of her head. Manila arched her back, rolling her hips against Raja's own and let out a deep sigh. Raja looked up at her. Manila was so beautiful, her expression thoughtful, her hair spilling down her back. Raja's heartbeat quickened, she was getting turned on again.

"Can I wear it?" asked Manila, glancing over her shoulder at the green silicone dildo and harness.

"Yeah," replied Raja, "You're gonna need to let me up, though."

Manila laughed and let Raja up, and they remove their remaining clothing. Manila attached the harness around her hips, figuring it out intuitively, laughing at herself a little. Raja lay back and let Manila kiss down her body, and Raja petted her hair, tangling her hands in it as Manila went between her legs, swirling her tongue around her clit with confidence that had grown significantly over the past several weeks. Raja sighed, and tucked her hand behind her head so she could watch.

Soon enough Raja was feeling quite good, Manila gently opening her pussy with her fingers. Raja was truly relaxed, her body warm and flushed, feeling soft and so wet and deeply aroused. She sat up, and Manila noticed the movement, raising her head. 

"Get on your back," purred Raja, "I like it on top."

Manila nodded, shifting over and lying down. Raja straddled her, taking the dildo and clicking the vibration setting on. 

Manila's eyes widened and she gasped, "Oh-"

"Yeah, it's gonna vibrate against you," replied Raja, and Manila moaned a little, her hand covering her mouth, "Do you like that?"

"Uh-huh…"

Raja reached over and located some lube from her bedside table, slicking the dildo with it and then shifting up, reaching down and angling it against herself. Manila watched, tracing her hands up and down Raja's thighs. Raja lowered herself onto the appendage with a heavy release of a sigh. She shifted a little, ensuring the angle felt right, the gentle vibration rumbling deep inside her.

"Is it okay for you?" murmured Raja, holding eye contact with Manila. 

"Yes," replied Manila, eyes wandering, "Woah, you're really _on_ that thing."

Raja rolled her hips in response, "Let me know if it's too much pressure, okay?"

Manila nodded, expression suddenly serious and focused, like she concentrating very hard on remaining calm despite the vibration that Raja knew was pressing against her. Raja was pleased, she knew the vibrating green dildo was specifically designed to be good for the wearer, too. Raja rolled her hips, setting a slow rhythm for herself. Running her hands up Manila's torso, Raja felt electricity in her, under Manila's soft, satin skin. Everything felt right.

Manila rolled her hips, thrusting the strap further up into Raja. Raja gasped at the sensation, her body warming with pleasure. They both shared a laugh, and Raja shifted further forward, pressing her hand into the mattress next to Manila's head and grinding her hips faster. Manila squirmed underneath her, digging her fingers into Raja's thighs, thrusting up to match her rhythm, tiny moans building in the back of her throat. With a wave of pleasure Raja's mouth fell open, her hair sticking to the sheen of sweat on the back of her neck, and she felt it building on her back and under her arms in the warm air of bedroom.

Short breaths from Manila, her back starting to arch, her eyes wide. Warm affection rolled over Raja as she rode the strap, and she felt her own pleasure mounting, her rhythm getting erratic, the hum of the vibration barely audible over their mutual breaths and moans. 

"I'm- I'm gonna come-" whispered from Manila, and she moaned with incoherent pleasure, her back arching. It was enough to bring Raja over the edge, her inner muscles tightening as the release washed over her, dark spots blacking over her vision for a moment as she astral-projected into space. 

Raja returned to earth and blinked, breathless, Manila was fumbling between them, aiming for the button on the dildo to the turn the vibration off. Raja lifted herself off, the appendage sliding out of her unceremoniously, and reached down to where Manila was fumbling, and clicked the vibration off. The silence was sudden. 

Manila sat up, almost knocking heads with Raja, looking completely windswept. She made quick work of taking the harness off, unbuckling it and tossing it to the end of the bed. Raja sat down next to her and leaned in, kissing Manila's face, stroking her back. Aftercare was important. Her own body was sore, it was always a little sore after having anything other than fingers inside of herself, but Raja felt light and alive despite it. They could forget about the outside world here, together, safe in Raja's bedroom.

"Did you like that?" murmured Raja. 

"Yes," replied Manila, still recovering her breath. She pressed her hand gently between her legs, wincing a little, "But it was a lot, the pressure and the vibration and everything."

"Mm-hmm," nodded Raja, kissing Manila's perfect eyebrows one at a time, "We can try a different position next time. That was very fun for me, by the way, I'm sure you could tell."

"It was like, impossibly sexy to see you ride that thing," chuckled Manila, touching the back of Raja's neck, "Now you're all sweaty."

"Ah! Rude."

"Come here," mumbled Manila, and then wrapped her arms around Raja, hiding her face in her shoulder. It had shown a lot of vulnerability on Manila's part to use the harness and strap for the first time, and Raja was grateful that it had gone well for them both. She wanted nothing more than to run a warm bath and get in together, to let Manila rest with her back to Raja's chest in the warm water, to hold her and relax together. But that wasn't something they could do.

Instead, Raja just let Manila hold her tight and took deep breaths and didn't comment when Manila kept her face hidden. Manila's eyelashes brushed against her skin as she blinked occasionally. Raja stroked her back and murmured praise and affection into her ear. The moment flickered and then held.

-

"I'll walk you to the subway," said Raja, several minutes later when they were hanging around in Raja's doorway, as Manila got ready to leave.

Manila paused while slipping on her sneakers and then smiled, "Sure!"

Raja slipped on her shoes and her leather jacket, and shut the door behind her. Manila had her work bag over one shoulder, her hair half-up in the claw clip she usually wore to work. 

They walked down the hallway to the elevator, and then to the door, which Raja pushed open. Raja slipped her hand into Manila's as they walked along the quiet residential street. Manila's eyes remained straight ahead. Raja didn't push a conversation, sometimes Manila wasn't very talkative before she left as she returned her focus to getting home. Raja's protective anger rose again, and she sighed. They approached the intersection where the residential street met the larger main street, and Manila suddenly let go Raja's hand as if burnt. 

That was odd. Raja glanced over at her. Manila looked tense, she glanced behind them and then around at the larger street, which was still busy given how early it was.

"No one's going to look at us funny for holding hands," said Raja quietly, as they walked together, "Not in this neighbourhood at least."

Manila frowned, tense, her eyes flashing around the street, checking. 

"I guess sometimes we might have to be discreet," continued Raja, "But honestly I haven't had to worry about that in a while, nobody ever notices-"

"We can't," replied Manila abruptly, "I can't be seen with you."

That cut unexpectedly deep and Raja grimaced as she dodged a group of teenagers on the sidewalk. Confusion and frustration rose up in her. They were dating, weren't they? At least sort of? Raja cared so much about Manila it was almost painful, and she just wanted to express that affection. To hear her say that, especially given the intimacy and vulnerability of what they'd been doing barely a half hour earlier… it was an awful kind of whiplash and rejection.

"What do you mean?" asked Raja, walking beside her. 

"I just- if anyone from the church, or who knows my family saw us," managed Manila, uncomfortable, "If they told them I was with you, I'd…"

"You'd...?"

"I don't know, I mean people can _tell_ with you-" said Manila, glancing over at Raja, looking her up and down, eyeing her leather jacket, her loose t-shirt and straight-legged jeans, her androgynous demeanour, "It's obvious."

"What?" snapped Raja, "That I look like a dyke?"

Manila's expression flashed from shocked to hurt, "Don't say it like that- that's not what I meant."

"Well… " Raja paused and frowned. She didn't like where this conversation was going. 

"Raja," sighed Manila, adjusting her bag on her shoulder, "I _want_ to hold your hand, but I can't. We can just walk together like normal, right? Like we're friends or acquaintances or whatever."

Raja stopped fully, moving to the edge of the street and stepping into a little alley between the buildings. Manila kept walking for a couple steps, then noticed Raja's absence and turned back around, surreptitiously glancing around the street again before dodging the crowd to join Raja at the edge of the alley. At a distance.

"I'm not going back in the closet for you," stated Raja, a deep ache in her chest.

Manila's expression tightened, and she pressed her lips together, looking down. Silence sat between them. The ache in Raja's chest was transforming, swirling back into frustration at Manila's desperate, impossible situation. All the ways in which she was amazing, wonderful, but all the difficult realities of her life that made her fucking impossible to be with. 

"I- I don't want to ask you to do that," managed Manila. 

"You are, though, that's exactly what you're doing."

"But," struggled Manila, "I, my life isn't like yours, it's just not safe for me-"

"Are you even listening to yourself?" asked Raja, her frustration suddenly spilling over. She hadn't commented directly on Manila's home situation quite yet, trying to withhold her judgement and her worry, but she couldn't stand it anymore. "Seriously, do you _hear the words_ coming out of your mouth? _Not safe?_ You feel unsafe in your own fucking home."

Manila looked stricken, and her mouth opened and closed. She looked down again, and her eyes flicked from side to side.

Raja took a breath and went out on a limb, "Look, I _really like_ you, and I want to be with you, but we can't be anything if- I can't compromise my identity, my way of being in the world. I'm just not going to do it."

A tear leaked down Manila's cheek, and she bit her lip, nodding, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize what I was asking, I- I really like you too and I like that you're not afraid of anything. I don't want you to hide that, but-"

"I'll help you leave," said Raja, her voice quiet, desperately hoping that it wasn't too soon to offer. Raja took a step closer to Manila, wanting so badly to hold her, to take her back home, to anywhere she could feel safe. But Manila's body language was tense, cautious and Raja didn't touch her. "Whatever you need, I'll get it done. But I can't make this decision for you."

Manila nodded again, blinking rapidly. A couple of tears stuck to her eyelashes, and she drew in a ragged breath and let it out. She glanced again at the street. 

"I've been thinking about leaving for a while now, even before we met," murmured Manila, "But I just- I don't want to disappoint my mom- I do love my family, you know, even though they're… wrong about a lot of things."

Raja waited for Manila to continue, glancing at the people passing on the street. This was a difficult conversation to have anywhere, let alone on the edge of an alley on the damn street, in public.

"But I want to be with you too," said Manila quietly. Her expression was determined. "I'm going to figure out how, but I need some time."

"Yeah, uh," managed Raja, relief and mild embarrassment at her dramatic speech suddenly flooding through her, "I'm sorry this got so intense, like on the fucking street…"

Manila let out a single syllable laugh, "Ha, yeah, me too."

Raja stepped forward, about to give Manila a hug but Manila jerked her head to side, checking the street again. Raja retreated, arms falling to her sides.

"Okay," said Raja, hands out, calming her frustration, "I was scared too, back when I was figuring all of this out for myself. It won't last forever." 

Raja didn't add that those fears had been back when she was fifteen, and that her own family had been quite accepting when she'd come out, despite some initial confusion.

Manila nodded, taking a deep breath in and letting it out. She turned back out onto the street. Raja followed her and they walked together towards the subway station in silence. Manila glanced around and moved maybe an inch closer to Raja as they walked. And then another. Raja rolled her eyes to herself, but appreciated the gesture anyway. Baby steps.

At the entrance to the subway Manila paused and turned to her. 

"It would be nice to do something outside of your apartment," said Manila, nodding to herself, "Like _together_ together."

"Yeah, let's go on a real date to an art gallery or something," replied Raja with a laugh, grateful for the break from the intensity of their conversation, "The world isn't that scary."

Manila smiled and glanced around surreptitiously, then took Raja's hand and squeezed it for a second. Manila turned and tossed a flirtatious look over her shoulder, vanishing down the busy steps into the subway. 

Raja rolled her eyes to the sky. This was ridiculous. A couple of years ago when Raja had been in her relationship with Violet, Violet had been fully willing to give her lingering kisses on the damn street corner, flipping off anyone who'd wolf whistled. Raja turned, walking back up the street to her apartment. Manila's situation was different from that of any other person Raja had encountered.

But Raja sensed that they'd finally reached a tipping point.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Manila makes a big decision. Raja has some interesting conversations, and all of a sudden it's time to move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready for pain and drama and eventual relief, my friends. it's time for raja to put on her mission impossible pants and pull off a rescue! jk lmao. thanks to everyone who has stuck with the story this far!

Another few weeks passed and Raja didn't bring up the issue with Manila, having decided that she'd give Manila the time she needed. Raja assumed Manila would reveal her plan when she knew what it was. In the meantime, their time together remained similar; almost exclusively at Raja's apartment but for a couple times out with her friends. Mostly Raja and Manila just had a lot of sex and sometimes dinner, talking and cuddling after. Manila didn't mention much about what was going on at home except in passing. The sex continued to be unprecedentedly amazing and Manila's confidence and urge to explore grew and grew.

Raja found herself only wanting Manila even more, the moments together felt like she was floating, and the moments apart were, well, boring and frustrating.

But Raja hadn't seen her for a week and a half because Manila was having trouble with her schedule again, citing her dad's insistence in demanding to know where she was at every given moment. It was difficult. So Raja was quite surprised when her phone rang, late in the evening just as she was getting ready for bed. She pulled her pyjama shirt on and reached for her phone, seeing Manila's name on the screen.

"Hey," said Raja, answering the phone.

"Hey I'm- uh," came's Manila's quiet voice, unsteady, "I think we need to…" She trailed off.

"What's happening?" asked Raja, pressing the phone close to her ear, alarm bells going off in her brain. 

The sound of wind. Was Manila outside?

"I-" a sniff, "It's okay, I'm okay," Manila let out a breath, "I'm just going to the corner store for orange juice."

That was unusual. Most corner stores would be closed by now, but for the all-night ones. Raja didn't reply, waiting for Manila to continue.

"Uh, I would've called earlier but… they're really watching me." Manila let out a sigh that mingled with the sound of the wind over the phone, "They suspect something, Raja. They keep asking me what I'm doing after work and why I'm not home, I keep making excuses, but… "

Raja paced the length of her bedroom, and then turned, walking back across it, listening.

"They, uh, they brought the reverend by the house today… " continued Manila, "He thinks I might need… redirection."

"What does that mean?" asked Raja, worry rising in her chest.

"A second baptism, maybe? They're all worried about me, they don't have any proof but I can tell they're hunting for it," replied Manila, her voice falsely light, "I'm trying to convince them I'm fine, but I really don't want to have to fake my way through conversion therapy…"

Raja was freaking the fuck out. Her heart beat faster in her chest, and she ran the hand that wasn't clutching the phone through her hair repeatedly.

"I think I… " said Manila, and she paused. Raja imagined her glancing around the darkened street, afraid of being overheard, "I think I should start looking for an apartment."

"Understatement of the year," tumbled out of Raja's mouth. But Manila laughed loudly, which helped steady Raja's nerves. 

"I feel weirdly okay about it," laughed Manila. Raja thought that was probably just the shock. She didn't say anything but stayed on the line, and Raja heard the tinkling chime of a doorbell as Manila went into what must be the corner store.

"So... yeah," said Manila, "Uh, if I send you some ads for apartments can you go look at them for me? It's gonna be tight making time for that this week, but-"

"How about we both take the afternoon off work on Thursday?" suggested Raja, finally pausing in her pacing, "We can set up a bunch of viewings and I'll drive you around to see them, and then I'll drop you back off by the time you'd normally leave work."

"That's not a bad idea."

Raja heard some shuffling, and the noise of a fridge opening and closing. Manila paused and paid for what was presumably orange juice, and then Raja heard the tinkle of the bell again. 

"Yeah," sighed Manila, "Thursday, okay. This is going to-" her breath caught, "This is going to be fine. Don't text me just in case, I don't usually leave my phone out but if the notification comes up on the screen… I'll call you, okay?"

Raja confirmed, pacing her bedroom one more time, coming to a halt in the middle and imagining Manila out walking in the cool night air, phone pressed to her ear, orange juice in her hand. 

They briefly discussed what kind of apartment Manila was looking for, including the neighbourhood and price range before Manila said a quick goodbye and hung up. 

Raja sat down on the end of her bed and stared at the wall, emotions swirling in a primordial soup. It was finally happening.

-

"Manila's moving out," announced Raja, over lunch with Sasha, Shea and Carmen, who'd had driven over from across town to join them. They were in a restaurant, just finishing off their food. Raja had been tense all week, but Thursday had gone smoothly and Manila was sending in applications for two places to cover her bases.

"Oh, that'll be so good for her," said Shea, with a smile, "Her first apartment, that's so cute!"

"I thought you said her family was really controlling?" added Sasha, "Did she have any issues with them?"

"She hasn't told them yet, because I think they'd stop her if she did," explained Raja, pushing her empty plate back, "They're pretty awful, we have to plan the move for when they won't be around-"

"'We?'" asked Carmen.

"Yeah, I'm helping her find an apartment and everything," said Raja, "Oh by the way, Shea, could I borrow your truck at some point soon? She's not sure what day yet-"

Raja paused, her three friends at the table had gone quiet and were staring at her.

"Raja," said Sasha, slowly, "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but… you don't think you might have a bit of a, uh, _saviour complex,_ here?"

"What?" replied Raja, insulted, "No, I don't."

"Think about what you're doing for a second-"

"Carmen," said Raja, turning to Carmen, whom she'd known the longest, "That's not a thing, you know me. Come on."

Carmen shrugged, leaning back in her chair, gazing at Raja with clinical consideration, "Are you most attracted to people when they're suffering?"

"No!" exclaimed Raja, offended, looking around at them all, "No, that's not how it is-"

"When you first met Violet she was having a hard time… "

"I'm just saying," said Sasha, crossing her arms, "The first time _I_ met Manila you were _literally_ rescuing her from that bad date-"

"That was a coincidence!" protested Raja, and then she attempted to explain herself, hands out on the table, "Look, not to be dramatic but she's basically trapped there. She doesn't have a lot of friends, she's constantly like, _watched-_ I just want her to get out and live her life, and _yeah_ she needs some help to do it. _Everyone_ needs help sometimes."

Carmen shrugged again but Sasha just sighed wearily.

"I mean," said Shea, who looked a little awkward. Shea was the one who Raja knew the least out of the three before her, "Raja, of course you can borrow my truck, just put some gas back in it when you're done." Shea paused, and then continued, "I grew up in a pretty conservative church community too, and it can be really scary leaving all of that, especially if she's worried about rejection and abandonment. Things worked out well for me with my family, I was lucky, but I'm not surprised that she needs some support right now."

"Thank you, Shea!" replied Raja, surprised and grateful for Shea's empathy to the situation, "Like, I knew that getting involved with someone in her kind of situation wouldn't be easy-" she gestured at Carmen, "I told you that at the party, remember?"

"Yeah, you did," said Carmen, uncrossing her arms, a small smile on her mouth, "But you started dating her anyway, though, because you're a bit of an idiot."

"Fine, I can admit to being an idiot! But I _don't_ have a saviour complex."

Raja gazed around at her friends. Carmen appeared neutral and unbothered, but Sasha still looked doubtful, her lips pursed. Shea just shrugged and offered Raja a supportive smile.

-

"It's going to be on Saturday," said Manila, a couple weeks later.

"Are you sure?" asked Raja, inhaling sharply. It was lunchtime, and they'd met up for quick conversation at a coffee shop near-ish to Manila's workplace. The apartment had been secured last week, the lease signed and the deposit given. It had been ready for Manila to move in immediately, but she'd needed a couple weeks to prepare.

"Yeah," replied Manila, leaning forward with anticipation, "I checked the calendar, it's the only time everyone is occupied at the same time for the next little while. My mom is out of town with my aunt, my dad is visiting my grandparents, my brothers will all be out. I'll get up early and finish packing. When everyone is out of the house I'll call you, it should be around eleven."

"I'll secure Shea's truck," said Raja, a low thrill in her stomach like they were planning a prison break, which in some ways they were, "We can do it."

Manila let out a heavy breath, tightly gripping her mug of coffee. Her expression was drawn but focused. 

Raja nudged her foot under the table, and Manila smiled and nudged her back. Raja ran the toe of her shoe up the side of Manila's calf. Manila rolled her eyes and kicked her shin.

"Ow," complained Raja.

"Stop trying to seduce me in public," joked Manila, under her breath. 

"Oh, I'm never gonna stop _trying…_ "

Manila laughed, her expression momentarily relaxed and happy. It made Raja hopeful. 

-

Raja took a deep breath and looked over her shoulder, turned the steering wheel of Shea's sky blue pickup truck as she backed up into Manila's family's garage. The house was in an average middle-class neighbourhood on the far side of the city from where Raja lived. The alley was lined with closed garage doors, quiet and severe. Raja cut the engine and got out of the truck as Manila shut the garage door and flicked the light on. 

"Hey," said Manila, expression tense. There were dark circles under her eyes. Raja brought her in for a hug and squeezed.

"Let's get it done," said Raja, stepping back. 

Manila nodded and turned, opening the door to the yard. It was a little expanse of green grass, with some abandoned sports equipment lying against the fences on either side. It looked normal. Manila opened the back door of the house and Raja went in after her. Again, it was a pretty average, middle-class kitchen… until Raja noticed the crosses.

Huh. 

There was a gold cross on the wall above the sink. On the fridge there was a dry-erase calendar covered in notes, and the name of a church splayed across it, with another two crosses. On the wall next to the table was another cross, dark metal with the word saviour on it. Raja glanced behind her, and noticed above the door was gold-embellished little portrait of… 

"Is that Filipino Jesus?" asked Raja, surprised.

"It's San Lorenzo Ruiz, my mom grew up Catholic," explained Manila, "But then she married my dad, and now they do the whole fundamentalist thing… but her decorating habits stayed. My dad enjoys it as much as she does."

"You sure aren't going to forget about it, are you?" said Raja, eyes darting around the room and picking up few more crosses she hadn't noticed at first. Yikes.

"I don't really notice them anymore."

Raja hummed a vague acknowledgement, and Manila nodded, propping the back door open and leading Raja down the hall to the stairs. On the wall in the stairway were family photos in frames that featured Bible quotes. Raja gazed for a moment at the pictures of Manila at various stages of childhood and adolescence, along with big group pictures of both sides of her extended family. There were three different boys on the wall too, who looked a lot like Manila and must be her brothers. She was leaving a lot behind. 

For all it looked like a loving if religious home, Raja hadn't missed the tension in Manila's body that crept up as soon as she'd entered the house.

"Is that you?" asked Raja, noticing an incredibly awkward school portrait of a pre-teen-aged Manila on the wall, with frizzy hair and braces, "This is the best picture I've ever seen."

Manila glanced back and protested, "Don't look at that one, it's terrible! I was thirteen, I was so awkward-"

"You look the same, honestly."

Manila barked out a laugh, and moved a couple stairs down to smack Raja's arm, "I shouldn't have invited you over!"

"Aw, come on-" teased Raja, smiling, happy that she'd managed to ease the tension. Manila turned and continued up the stairs. Raja followed her, mentally preparing for the task ahead.

At the top of the stairs, Manila opened a door. Raja followed her inside. It was a small room, with boxes and plastic bins in the middle full of Manila's stuff. The neat twin bed was against the wall, and as Raja looked around she saw evidence that it had once been the bedroom of a child, a teenager, and finally an adult… an adult who was constrained and trapped in a life that no longer fit. 

"It's mostly my clothes, books and art stuff," murmured Manila, "I have childhood things in the basement, I don't know what to do with those."

"Let's move what you have here, you can do a once-over when you're done. What about the furniture?"

"None of it's really _mine,_ it's all things they've bought for me over the years," said Manila, gazing around, "But I do like the bookshelf…" 

"Then we'll bring the bookshelf."

With that, Raja decisively bent down and lifted the first box, scrawled _boots and shoes_ in messy sharpie. She turned and walked down the stairs, cautious with her footing. Manila followed her, another box in her arms. They walked out of the house through the yard to the garage, where they propped the door open and deposited the boxes onto the bed of the truck. 

"There. Two down."

They trooped back inside and up the stairs, picking up more boxes and bins to bring down. It wasn't actually that much stuff, considered Raja, but moving was always annoying. They carried the bookshelf downstairs together, a small smile on Manila's face. Hope was in the air.

When they were just over half-way through and Manila was ahead of Raja down the stairs with a box of books in her hands, the front door opened. Manila froze, and Raja stopped behind her, her heart dropped to her knees. A white man with glasses looked up at them in surprise. 

"Dad," said Manila, her voice high and unsteady, "You're home early."

"What are you doing?" asked Manila's father, disgruntled, taking his keys from the lock and staring at them. 

"I'm-" Manila rushed to the bottom of the stairs, putting the box down on the floor, "I'm, uh-"

"Who's that?"

"I'm Raja," said Raja simply, making her way down the stairs and moving quickly past the two of them down the hall through the kitchen and out the back door. In the garage, Raja put the box on the bed of the truck and turned around, walking back through the yard and inside. Manila and her dad were in the living room off the hall, and Raja heard the strains of the argument. 

"-moving? Absolutely not-"

"Dad, please, I really-"

There was an awful anxiety in Manila's voice. Raja set her jaw and went back up the stairs, picked up another box and brought it back down. She kept going, walking quickly back and forth, bringing box after box, and then larger items like a desk lamp and a big drawing board down into the truck in the garage. Each time she passed the living room she'd hear one or two lines of conversation. There was anger, confusion, betrayal from Manila's dad, and desperation, fumbled explanations and pain from Manila.

"-and abandoning our values you careless, selfish child-"

"I'm not trying to hurt you, but _I'm an adult,_ and I need-"

Raja pushed her hair back from her face, bent down and picked up the last box in Manila's room. She looked around at the much emptier space. The sticker-covered desk was empty. The twin bed was neatly made, the duvet cover a soft, almost childish pink. The closet door was partway open, and there was clearly some stuff still in it. Did Manila want any of that? Raja wasn't sure, but it didn't matter. This was the final box.

Raja made her way down the stairs, past the living room where she could still hear Manila trying to explain herself, and out into the sunny afternoon. Raja put the box down, shut the back of the truck, checked to make sure it was secure and then opened the big garage door. She walked back around, sat in the truck and waited. 

Several minutes passed. Raja checked her phone, and put it back in her bag. She turned the radio on and half-listened, tapping her fingers on the wheel. Manila must have noticed by now that Raja was done moving everything. Hopefully Manila could finish having the conversation and leave. It really wasn't Raja's place to intervene.

Another couple minutes ticked past.

Raja got out of the truck, walked back through the garage and yard up to the back door, slipping inside. She'd just check to see if everything was okay. There was a raised voice coming from the living room.

"-can't believe this, this is ridiculous! You were acting strange, I _knew_ something was going on you ungrateful brat-"

Manila's father's voice was sharp and authoritative. The lecture went on, without Manila interrupting. But Raja heard the sound of quiet tears. Raja padded through the kitchen, standing in the hallway out of eyesight.

"You're going to stop this business now, and put your things back where they belong."

" _I'm sorry-_ but it's- we're-"

"Now, Manila."

Raja stepped into the doorway of the living room, feeling inexplicably calm. Manila's dad was treating her like a child, and Raja couldn't stand it. Manila and her dad were standing a fair distance apart in the room, which had a big couch, a TV and a recliner. Manila's face was streaked with tears, and she was nodding resignedly, wiping at her nose with the sleeve of her shirt. Her father had his arms crossed, impatience radiating from him.

"Everything's out," said Raja, her voice even.

Manila's eyes flicked between Raja and her dad. 

"You aren't welcome in my house," he said, glaring at Raja.

Despite her the visceral anger curdling in her stomach, Raja ignored him and focused on Manila instead, willing her to take a step, to leave. 

"She's corrupted you," announced Manila's dad, gesturing to Raja, "This is the Devil's doing, he's taken form in this _woman-_ " he spat the word at her like it was a curse. Raja managed to hide her reaction, suppressing her shock and ignoring him. Another beat passed, and the tension spanned out.

"No," said Manila suddenly, shaking her head, "No, I'm leaving-"

"Your mother will be disappointed."

Manila flinched as if struck, an awful grimace on her face.

"Let's go," said Raja, motioning to the back door. 

For one godawful moment Raja thought Manila might give up. But she rallied, straightened and walked out of the room. Her dad didn't follow them. Raja followed her through the kitchen, but Manila paused in the doorway, glancing at the little gold-framed painting of the saint above it. She glanced to one side and grabbed a chair, quickly stood on it and took the painting down, hugging the dusty glass to her chest and pushing the chair back. Manila walked out the door, determination in the lines of her body.

Raja shut the back door behind her and they went across the yard to the garage in silence. Once they were in the truck, Raja wasted no time peeling out into the alley, maybe driving a little faster than she should. Raja took some steadying breaths. That had been brutal. Silence sat between them as tears leaked down Manila's face, and she tucked the portrait of the saint into her purse. But she found a pack of tissues in the glove compartment and wiped her face and her nose.

"It's all done, you don't have to go back," murmured Raja, making a left turn, "You did it. You're free."

Manila nodded, looking completely stunned, and said, " _Fuck,_ I'm gonna miss my mom."

Raja blinked with surprise, because Manila rarely cursed. Manila sniffed, then reached for the volume knob to turn up the radio.

-

After they unloaded everything at Manila's new apartment, Raja put her hands on her hips and looked around. 

It was sparse, given that Manila had next to no furniture. She would need to do some shopping. But that would all come in good time, now that she was here. The little portrait of San Lorenzo sat on Manila's bookshelf. Raja exhaled, looking over the boxes and plastic bins in the middle of the bedroom. The bedroom distinctly lacked a bed.

Next to her, Manila sighed, scrubbed a hand across her face and sat down on the end of a plastic bin.

"So, uh," said Manila, exhaustion evident in her voice, "Should we order a pizza or something?"

Raja contemplated her answer. Manila had exactly no plates or utensils, and one mug. Not that that was a big deal, pizza could be eaten with their hands. But this wasn't a home yet. 

"Let's get pizza and go to my place," suggested Raja, "And… you could bring clothes for tomorrow, if you'd like to stay over. You don't have a bed yet, anyway."

Manila looked like she might cry again, but held it together and nodded. Then she rummaged around in a box for her clothes while Raja ordered a pizza. Manila shoved her toothbrush and an outfit for tomorrow into her purse, and they left. Manila locked the door behind her, jangling her keychain thoughtfully. 

Raja drove back to Shea and Sasha's place, stopping at a gas station on the way to fill the tank up as an offer of thanks. Manila remained mostly silent next to her. At Shea's they transferred vehicles, Raja picking up her car from where she'd left it that morning. A small, mischievous smile appeared on Manila's face. 

"Don't you dare rib me about my car again," began Raja, rolling her eyes. 

"Oh, you mean this awful nineties relic?" mocked Manila, amused, "This beast with a sticky clutch?"

"The clutch hardly sticks, and standards are easier to repair, everyone knows that," replied Raja loftily.

Raja didn't take the teasing personally, in fact she was rather glad that Manila had found amusement somewhere after today's upheaval. She pulled out onto the street in her _reliable_ vehicle and went to the pizza place to pick up their order. 

Finally, she opened the door to her own apartment with Manila next to her, pizza in hand. They sat on the couch, the pizza box open on the coffee table in front of them. The first few bites were rapidly consumed in silence. Raja wondered whether they should talk about Manila's confrontation with her dad during the move. Raja's own righteous, protective anger was stirred up even thinking about it.

"How are you doing?" asked Raja, instead.

Manila finished her slice of pizza in silence, and sighed, "I'm okay. Tired. I can't believe we did it."

"Yeah, it's pretty crazy."

Manila nodded, and reached for another slice of pizza from the box.

"So," continued Raja, testing the waters, "Your dad… he didn't take it well, did he?"

Taking a bite, Manila shook her head in agreement but didn't reply. Raja let the subject drop, knowing that Manila would talk about it when she was ready. Raja reflected on the snippets she'd seen and heard. Perhaps Manila not telling her parents about her plan had been deceptive, but every time she'd tried to leave before she'd been shut down, argued with and manipulated until she stayed. Her dad's attempt to bully Manila into giving up at the last second had almost worked. Raja recalled the awful tension in the room and the pain on Manila's face.

When they were both done eating Manila put the pizza box in Raja's recycling bin and washed the dishes. Raja got out a kitchen towel and dried them, putting everything away. Then they decided to watch a movie, selecting something random and easy-viewing, and they curled up on the couch. Manila leaned into her shoulder, sighing, and Raja wrapped an arm around her. Suddenly, like a lightning bolt, Raja knew that everything had been worth it, that she'd fallen way over the precipice of love and there was no return. Hmm.

After the movie they went to bed early. Raja offered Manila an old T-shirt to use as pyjamas and turned away to give her privacy as she changed. When the light was out, Manila curled up next to Raja under the sheets, holding her tight like she might slip away.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raja wakes up next to Manila, and things aren't perfect, but it's about as close as it's going get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this chapter wraps things up nicely!  
> cw: smut, conversations about polyamory, sickeningly sweet fluff

Raja woke up and felt Manila's warm presence next to her. Lazy joy rose in her heart. Manila was asleep on her side, curled in on herself, her eyebrows knitted in a frown. They were warm together under the sheets, and Raja's body was still soft with sleep.

Raja stared at Manila for a moment, then she gently brushed a loose strand of Manila's hair back from her face, and pressed a kiss to her temple. Manila stirred, blinking awake. 

"Mm?"

Raja didn't reply, instead pressing kisses to Manila's forehead, her cheek and the end of her nose. 

"Mmm… " groaned Manila, stretching and arching her back with a yawn, "Good morning."

"Good morning," replied Raja, pressing a kiss just below Manila's jawline, "Guess where you are."

Manila looked around, "Oh yeah, I'm at your place."

"Yeah," replied Raja, unable to suppress her smile. This was exactly what she'd wanted, for what had felt like ages.

Manila smiled back, and then snuggled in closer to Raja, kissing her cheek. Snaking her arm around Raja's waist, Manila pulled her in. Their legs touched, the warm limbs tangling together. With a mischievous expression, Manila rolled on top of Raja and kissed her in earnest. Neither of them minded the other's morning breath, and all Raja wanted to do was hang on to Manila and never let her go. 

Manila rolled her hips against Raja's and Raja snuck her hand under Manila's loose T-shirt, touching her chest with a knowing little noise. Manila giggled and moaned softly in the back of her throat. Raja was becoming quite interested, and it looked like morning sex was very much on the table-

"It's Sunday," said Manila, pausing. 

"Yeah?"

"I'm not at church."

That killed the mood instantly. Raja removed her hand from under Manila's shirt. But Manila didn't roll off of her, instead she stayed, her expression distant. 

"The last time I wasn't at church on Sunday was," said Manila, staring to the wall of the room with mild disbelief, "Uh, four years ago, that time I had a really bad flu in college. Wait no, it was two years ago in the fall, when that hurricane rolled through and they cancelled service. Wow." She paused, "Everyone's going to notice I'm not there. I wonder what my parents are saying to explain it."

"Are you worried?" asked Raja, stroking Manila's back comfortingly.

"No, not really," continued Manila, shifting her weight onto one elbow and tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, still half on top of Raja, "I'm happy I don't have to be there, actually. I liked the hymns, and sometimes the sermons were hopeful, but, it could also be so alienating. Especially when they used the passages to justify their… prejudices."

Raja didn't really know what to say in response, instead she just kept stroking Manila's back. It sounded difficult. Raja couldn't imagine what that must have been like to sit through, week after week for years after Manila had stopped believing. No wonder she'd been afraid to leave, trapped in the feedback loop of repression, prejudice and control. Manila stared into space, frowning, for another few moments. But then she sighed deeply and rolled off of Raja. 

Manila briefly wrestled with the sheets and then she got out of the bed. Raja watched her, looking for signs of distress, not entirely sure how to proceed should she notice anything. But Manila just stretched her arms over her head, and instead of worrying Raja allowed herself to enjoy the way Manila looks in Raja's old T-shirt, and the way the shirt lifted up as she stretched, exposing her underwear and the curve of her butt. Mmm.

"I want coffee," stated Raja, getting up out of bed. 

"Ooh, me too," replied Manila, pulling on a loose pair of pyjama pants and following Raja out of the room. Raja put on some coffee and then opened the fridge and decided that she would pull out all the stops today. It was Manila's first time sleeping over, and Raja was determined to make this the best morning ever, to entice Manila into sleeping over regularly now that it was option. 

Manila asked if she could help and Raja declined, easily chopping everything up to make omelettes. Soon enough, her superb creations were on plates and the coffee had been poured and they were sitting across from one another at Raja's little kitchen table. Manila was impressed and happy, as she always was when Raja cooked something for her. Raja was content, biting into the warm food and sipping her coffee. Yum. An ideal Sunday.

"I'd like to get more of my stuff unpacked today," said Manila, once she was done, pushing her empty plate aside, "And I'll need to buy some kitchen stuff, and get a bed. Can we borrow Shea's truck again?"

"Yeah, we can hit IKEA, and thrift store and the mattress place," agreed Raja, "I'll have to call Shea but I think it should be fine. We could strap the mattress to the top of my car, but… "

Manila laughed, "I know you love your car, but I don't think the mattress would survive."

Raja acquiesced and they chatted back forth for another few moments, and then Manila put their dishes in the sink.

"I'm gonna shower real quick," said Raja, rising and moving out of the kitchen to the bathroom, adding over shoulder, "You can take your turn after or… " she paused in the doorway, turning back, "… you could join me."

Manila hesitated for a split second, and then a smile crossed her face, "I'll join you."

"Wonderful."

With a hint of excitement growing in her core, Raja went into the bathroom and turned on the shower, waiting for the water to warm up as she stripped out of her pyjamas. Manila followed her in, shutting the door behind her, and biting her lip as she looked at Raja. Completely naked, Raja turned and tested the water, unsure if Manila wanted privacy. A shower together could certainly happen quickly and without sex, but… 

But the noise of Manila's clothes falling to the floor followed by the ghost of a hand on her lower back indicated to Raja that sex was probably back on the table. There was a warm, supple current of energy between them. Raja glanced over her shoulder as Manila sidled up next to her, asking, "Is it warm yet?"

"I'd say so."

Raja stepped in, moving under the flow of warm water as Manila followed her. Manila's hand traced her back, moving to her hip, her fingers soft against Raja's warm skin. Mmm, Raja found herself getting excited, but she waited for Manila to make the first move. Manila turned her face up to the stream of water and soaked her head and hair. Then she turned and assertively pulled Raja under the stream of water, and kissed her. Perfect. They made out as the water flowed over them, until some of it got in Manila's mouth and she coughed and Raja laughed and shifted them out from under it. Her skin was warm and slippery. The air around them was thick with steam.

"Let's wash yesterday off," suggested Raja softly, taking the bar of soap from it's holder and lathering her hands with. Manila turned around and let Raja soap up her shoulders and her back, all the way down her torso, sliding her slippery, soap-covered hands over Manila's waist, and caressing the curve of her hips. With a sigh of comfort, Manila moved so that the hot water hit her back again, rinsing the soap off. Raja got to her knees in front of her, ignoring the hard bathtub floor as she took Manila's hips, kissing her stomach down to the crease where her legs met. Manila stroked Raja's wet hair, ghosting her fingers over the shell of her ear.

Raja began delicately, barely brushing her lips over Manila's folds, enjoying the warm steamy air around them, the softness and scent of Manila's skin, mingling with the floral smell of the soap. Manila was relaxed, a few strands of her hair in her face, her eyes half-closed.

Raja decided to get down to business, pushing her face closer between Manila's legs and licking gently, starting off soft. Manila sighed appreciatively.

"I've always wanted to do this in the shower," whispered Manila, her breath hitching just a little.

"Yeah?" replied Raja, pulling back so she could speak but not stopping, replacing her tongue with gentle fingers because she adored hearing about Manila's fantasies, "Do you want to tell me about that?"

"Yes," sighed Manila, her eyes falling shut as Raja stroked her, "I liked to think about… you know, sharing the privacy with somebody, when everything is warm and… wet."

Arousal curled between Raja's legs at the low, intimate whisper, like Manila was telling her a secret. Which she technically was, supposed Raja. She increased her pace. Manila tangled her hand in Raja's hair, caressing the back of her head, an expression of pleasure on her face. 

"Did you think about me?" purred Raja, running her opposite hand down Manila's hip and between her legs, gently pressing at the edge of her pussy and delighted to find Manila was slick and wet , "Did you play with the shower head?"

"The shower head?" asked Manila, confused, biting back a moan, "Uh, it wasn't the kind that comes off the wall- but I'd, I'd… you know… "

"Oh, I think I can imagine it," replied Raja knowingly, sliding a finger into Manila's slickness and kissing her hip, her stomach, "Did you lean back against the wall, did your knees go weak? Did you whisper my name to yourself?"

"Yeah, how did you guess," replied Manila, her breath shallow as bent forward, her body tightening as Raja continued to stroke and finger her, "Oh, that's good, _that's good-_ I, I said it real quietly, I got my hands all soapy and I'd- ah, I'd stroke my chest, my neck and I'd touch myself and pretend it was you doing it-"

What felt like an electric shock went down Raja's spine and spiked between her legs, and Raja was so wildly caught up in the moment it was entirely possible that time had stopped completely, but she kept going, gently hooking her finger inside of Manila, and rubbing her clit with her thumb, bringing her closer to the edge. 

"Well, you don't need to pretend anymore, it's real," breathed Raja, as the water streamed over Manila's shoulders, running in rivulets down her glorious body, and Raja could feel her tightening around her finger. Manila's mouth opened in a gasp and she curled forward, clutching Raja's head to her stomach, moaning pathetically. Raja didn't stop there, she slid her finger out and replaced her opposite hand with her mouth, swirling her tongue around Manila's clit. Manila yelped out a surprised moan and clutched at Raja's shoulders, and in a few moments Manila was gasping out Raja's name and unravelling completely. 

"How did you even do that… " whined Manila, weak and panting, when she'd had enough. 

Raja pulled back, noticed how sore her knees were, and got up slowly. 

"I'm very talented," replied Raja, simultaneously smug and grateful, "And you- you're fucking amazing, you're perfect."

Manila hugged Raja in close and hid her face in her shoulder, embarrassed, "I can't believe I told you about that."

"It was _so hot_ to hear you say it. I'm so happy you trust me."

Manila nodded into her and then sighed, pulling back, "I guess I should actually wash my hair now."

They attempted to actually wash, taking turns shampooing and rinsing, but soon enough Raja found herself taking the shower head down from it's hook. Manila had asked mischievously what exactly Raja meant by _playing with the shower head_ and Raja had said, _well, I can explain it, or I can just show you…_ Manila opted to be shown. 

Raja leaned back against the wall, a little nervous, and turned the shower head to the single stream setting, put one foot up on the edge of the tub and applied the warm stream of water to her clit. The effect was similar to that of a vibrator. Manila watched her expression carefully as Raja's body relaxed, the steady press of water doing the trick. Manila leaned in and kissed her, lingering indulgently and stroking Raja's chest and palming her nipples. Manila moved to her neck, until the combination of everything had Raja tilting her head back against the hard tiles and gasping, moving through her orgasm with Manila right next to her, gently biting on the sensitive skin of her throat.

All in all, it was a very pleasant shower.

-

Manila did get a bed, and dishes, and some furniture. Her apartment came together slowly. There was a lot for her to get used to, this being the first time she'd ever lived alone. But she also spent a lot of time at Raja's apartment, which Raja enjoyed, and Raja spent time at hers as well once everything was set up. It turned out Manila was also a pretty great in the kitchen, and was excited to make Raja some meals in return for all the time's she'd eaten at her place. A couple months passed, and things were just lovely. 

When it came to sex, which is often did, Manila wanted to try everything under the sun. Raja considered herself flexible and open-minded so she was happy to go with Manila down whatever weird sexual pathways she wanted. Manila loved Raja with unbridled enthusiasm, like she was making up for all the years she'd been hiding herself. It was intense.

The transition in Manila's living situation hadn't been without conflict. There were a lot of painful, anxiety-provoking phone calls with her parents, which Raja occasionally witnessed but usually only heard about after, the protective anger rising in her chest every time. It was an emotional roller coaster, but they managed. Raja couldn't truly relate, and sometimes her anger spilled over, and she found herself snapping out frustrated criticisms of Manila's family, to which Manila responded with an often absurd combination of agreement and defensiveness. The little portrait of San Lorenzo Ruiz watched their arguments, and Raja swore she could see his eyes flicking back and forth. But he brought Manila comfort of a sort, and remained up on her bookshelf.

But one night, when Raja was getting frustrated with listening to Manila talk herself in circles about her parents once again, she asked a question.

"Manila," said Raja, once Manila had finished her confused rant, "Your job gives you health coverage, right?"

"Yeah?" replied Manila, looking back at her, "Why?"

"Well," said Raja, shifting on the couch to face her fully, "You've just left a very… challenging life situation. I think you've got more trauma to unpack than maybe either of us have realized, and I don't know, I might be too close to the situation. But if there's coverage in your plan for a therapist I think that could be really helpful."

Manila blinked, and her eyebrows came together. Raja waited patiently for a response. 

"Do you think a therapist would actually like, understand?" asked Manila, cautiously.

"I mean that's their job," shrugged Raja, "You can look around and find one who knows about like, religious upbringings and sexuality and… " she hesitated over the word _abusive,_ she'd said it once before and Manila had exploded at her, clearly not ready to hear it, " _…difficult_ parents. It's not like you're the only person this has ever happened to."

"Yeah, I guess that's true," said Manila, nodding thoughtfully and leaning to Raja for a hug, "I never even considered it, but I'll investigate. I'm sorry if this has been stressful for you-"

"It's alright," replied Raja, wrapping her arms around Manila and squeezing gently, resting her chin on her head, "I don't know, I love you and it hurts me when you're hurt-"

Manila pulled back and stared up into Raja's face, an excited grin growing on her own. 

"What?" asked Raja.

"You said you love me," said Manila evilly, her smile widening.

Raja realized that she had. She'd been thinking it for a while, and meaning to tell Manila, ideally at a more romantic moment… but apparently it had slipped out.

"Well, uh," managed Raja, suddenly feeling vulnerable and embarrassed, "Yeah, I do. You don't need to respond yet-"

"You're ridiculous," laughed Manila, "Raja, I love you too."

With that she pushed Raja back and sat in her lap, and wrapped her arms around Raja's neck to kiss her. Raja held Manila tight. She knew, deep down, that everything would work out.

-

Time ticked on, and things stabilized further. Incompetent Steve finally quit. Raja put her name in for his position and after a couple weeks of deliberation, she got the promotion. Raja was never one to turn down an excuse for a party and the ensuing celebration with all of her friends, and Manila, was legendary. 

"You're going to be so much better than him at it," said Sasha, giving Raja a congratulatory hug, which Raja tipsily accepted, trying not to spill her wine.

A loud peal of laughter caught their attention, and Raja glanced through the crowd into the kitchen to see Manila almost bent double, while Bianca cackled at her and Shea covered her mouth, fighting hysterical giggles.

"She seems happy," said Sasha, with a small laugh of her own. 

"Sasha, she's so happy," gushed Raja, drunkenly staring at Manila across the room as she attempted to regain balance, with Shea having to hold her up, "It's like she's a different person than before but in the best way? Does that make sense?" Raja paused, taking another sip of wine, and gesticulating, "I mean obviously there's still some issues 'cause her family is fucked up-"

"You are _drunk,_ darling."

"Maybe a little," replied Raja, feeling the warmth in her cheeks and putting her arm around Sasha affectionately. Sasha slung her arm around Raja's waist.

"And how's that saviour complex working out for you?" teased Sasha, giving Raja a squeeze.

"Ugh, that's not a thing!" exclaimed Raja, stumbling a little and rolling her eyes. There'd been tension between her and Sasha for the past while after that conversation, but they'd both been slowly coming around, and were finally able to joke about it, "I don't have that!"

"I know, just giving you a hard time."

"You're just mad because I'm gonna be technically above you at work now…" complained Raja.

"Not anymore!" announced Sasha triumphantly, "I'm transferring departments!"

"Aw, congratulations!"

-

Raja sat at a table in the club with Bianca, talking while Courtney and Manila moved on the dance floor, vibing and being goofy. Bianca and Raja needed a little more liquid courage to get up and dance, and were taking their time. Almost a year to the day had passed since Raja had helped Manila escape her family. Raja smiled at Manila as she looked over her shoulder and made eye contact, her curly hair moving as she danced. 

"So, it's been almost a year, huh?" asked Bianca from next to her, sipping on her whiskey.

"Yeah," confirmed Raja, "It's so fucking good." It was _insanely_ good. Raja was ridiculously, embarrassingly, head-over-heels in love. 

Manila still liked to go out dancing, and as she'd become used to being out in public with Raja, they indulged in going out. Manila was thriving, still in therapy but reconnecting with friends from college who were outside of her family's sphere of influence, and making new ones and being a part of Raja's own community. Raja was beyond pleased, and proud of her.

"You're so happy it's embarrassing," mocked Bianca.

"Aw shut up, you are too," replied Raja, knowing that the conflict between Bianca and Courtney had resolved itself a while ago, leaving Bianca much more content than she'd been. Raja motioned to the dance floor, "And they get along, look, this is great."

Courtney and Manila got along quite well, which made going out with the four of them all the more fun. The two younger women were dancing together to some heavily remixed hip-hop beat, and Raja took a moment to admire Manila's jean-clad ass from a distance. Manila noticed her watching, and shifted closer to Courtney, who responded in kind until they were practically on top of each other and swaying to the beat, Manila's hands on Courtney's waist. Manila shot another flirtatious look back at Raja. 

That was an interesting development. Kinda hot. Raja crossed one leg over the other as Courtney murmured something in Manila's ear, playing with a lock of Manila's hair. 

Raja glanced at Bianca, who was equally entranced, watching the scene with her drink frozen half-way to her mouth. Manila whispered something back in Courtney's ear, and then giggled, shot one more glance back at Raja. Manila leaned in, capturing Courtney's mouth in a kiss.

It immediately crossed a line that Raja didn't even know was there, and her stomach dropped. She glanced at Bianca again, who looked equally surprised, but her mouth had curled in a smile. Raja was very much not smiling. 

Raja got to her feet, and stalked over to the dance floor where Manila and Courtney were just full-on making out, _apparently,_ Manila's hands all up in Courtney's short blonde hair. Raja had no idea what she was going to say, the awful feeling twisting in her stomach.

Raja took Manila's arm, and Manila looked over at the sensation, and then up at her face, her eyes rapidly turning concerned. Courtney stepped back, uncertainty crossing her face and Manila glanced at her for a second and then back to Raja, before Raja turned and led her off the dance floor. 

Awful thoughts were running through Raja's mind. Why had Manila done that? Didn't she know that kissing somebody else, even though Raja had been right there to see it, still felt like _cheating?_ Did Manila see her as a mere stepping stone, a way out of her previous life, and would she just fully abandon Raja for the next person who drew her eye? Was she- _ugh, fuck!_

Finding a quiet corner, Raja leaned against the wall, unable to help from crossing her arms defensively. 

"What the hell, Manila?" asked Raja, hearing the hurt in her tone.

Manila's expression was embarrassed, as she replied, "I didn't- you were watching us, and I thought-"

"You thought what?"

"That you'd think it was hot," said Manila, looking guilty and gesturing confusedly, "And that it would be okay since you and Bianca were both right there?"

"Well-" said Raja, now a bit confused herself, "I mean-" It wasn't _not_ hot. But her insecurities flared back up, and she found herself saying, "No, we're supposed to be together. Are you just going to like, leave me for the first hot gay woman who hits on you? Am I just a, a _stepping stone_ for you?"

"No, Raja," said Manila, her eyes full of compassion and worry, "I love you so much. I'm not going to leave you, no way. I just… " Manila trailed off, trying to find words. 

Raja waited, taking deep breaths in and out, and allowing her anger to ease off.

"That had nothing to do with how I feel about you," said Manila, running her hand down Raja's arm to hold her hand, "At all. I just thought Courtney was cute, and… that it might be sexy to kiss her while you watched. I'm really sorry, I promise I won't do anything like that again."

"Okay," said Raja slowly, reassured, "What were you saying to each other, before?"

"Oh," said Manila, with a laugh, "I think Courtney literally said, _d'you wanna make out while they watch?_ Apparently that's something that Bianca's into, and I thought maybe you would be too? But I was wrong, I'm sorry."

Raja pondered this new information, squeezing Manila's hand. She wasn't angry anymore, it had faded as quickly as it flared. Raja had had her own share of bizarre experiments with polyamory in the past, some of them more successful than others. But she'd never felt the way she felt about Manila for anyone else before, and that in itself was frightening and vulnerable. Being in love like this was like placing your heart outside of your body and just hoping it didn't get stepped on.

"It's okay," said Raja, to Manila's visible relief, "But, if that's something you wanna try in the future… "

Manila tensed, a combination of caution and curiosity on her expression.

"… then I'm not opposed to it," said Raja, pulling Manila in close and saying quietly into her ear, "We're just gonna have to talk about it beforehand, okay? Because otherwise it feels pretty awful for everyone involved."

Manila nodded before she pulled back, expression jealous, "Wait, so, you'd be doing stuff with other people too?"

"Would you be into that?"

Manila contemplated it for a moment, expression thoughtful, eyes flashing from side to side.

"Maybe," said Manila slowly, a smile stealing over her face, "Like if you told me beforehand, and I knew what was happening and I could watch… or participate."

Raja's heart raced with relief that her worst fears hadn't come true, and that it seemed like some her best fantasies just might instead. Raja had suspected herself of not being one hundred percent monogamous, but the failed attempts in the past had left her a little jaded. But she trusted Manila and loved her on a level that was different from anything before. Maybe she could try it again.

"It can be a new experiment," suggested Raja into Manila's ear. "We'll try it and see how we feel, alright?"

"How about with Bianca and Courtney?"

That very much stopped the fantasy short.

"Uh, you can be affectionate with Courtney if you want," said Raja quickly, "But please don't bring Bianca into it, like you know I love her, but we're seriously not attracted to each other. And… the first people we try this with probably shouldn't be our immediate friends."

"I dunno, I've always thought Bianca's kinda hot… " teased Manila, and Raja rolled her eyes, protesting, before turning around and pushing Manila back against the wall. Manila gasped in surprise as Raja kissed her neck, and her hands balled up in the back of Raja's shirt. It wasn't unusual for people to be quite public with their affection in this particular club, so no one noticed. Raja sucked a particularly sensitive spot on her neck, and pushed her thigh between Manila's legs.

"Mmh-" whined Manila, "You're ridiculous." 

"You're being such a bad girl tonight…" purred Raja, gently nipping the skin just below Manila's jaw.

Manila giggled, stroking Raja's back, and murmured, "Stop trying to seduce me in the middle of this club, I don't wanna leave yet."

"Oh, I'm never gonna stop trying…"

Raja stepped back, breaking the moment with an easy grin and then took Manila by the hand and led her back to the table where Bianca and Courtney were sitting together. Manila sat down next to Courtney, who looked between Raja and Manila carefully until they both explained that everything was fine, talking over each other.

Nothing more happened that night, everyone just drank and chilled out and danced some more until they went home. But Raja knew, as she collapsed into bed with Manila later, that the events of the night had opened a door, and with it, exciting possibilities.

-

It probably shouldn't feel so much like a proposal, because it was just a suggestion. But Raja's palms were sweating.

It was evening, the sun was setting and Raja and Manila were out for a walk down by the pier, hand in hand. It had taken a little while for Manila to become less cautious in public, the habits she'd learned for survival couldn't change overnight. Manila's apartment was cute and functional, and her relationship with her family had stabilized into them largely ignoring each other. Raja knew it still hurt her, it would probably always hurt, but it was better than the harassment and the endless arguments. Manila was building a new life for herself.

"So, I was thinking," began Raja, "Since I got that promotion I'm like really financially stable, and the lease on your apartment is ending soon…" She trailed off, taking a deep breath. 

"What were you thinking?" asked Manila, gently squeezing her hand, "Your hand is really sweaty by the way."

"Oh my god, stop," replied Raja, rolling her eyes as her stomach churned with nerves.

"You're lucky I like you," teased Manila, "Anyway, what were you saying?"

Raja stopped walking, and led Manila away from the crowd to a point that looked over the ocean. She didn't know why exactly, but she wanted this to be _right,_ romantic even. Raja was embarrassed, what kind of a sappy old woman had she become? Raja used to be incredibly cool. Fuck, she just had to _say it-_

"Do you want to move in together?" asked Raja, her heart racing, "We can look for a new apartment, somewhere that suits us both."

Manila looked at her in surprise, but her surprise quick evolved into joy and her smile grew.

"Yeah, I do, that would be amazing!" replied Manila, hugging Raja tight. 

Raja let out a sigh of relief. Manila stood up on her toes and gave Raja a quick kiss, without a single cautionary glance.

"Apartment hunting is going to be so annoying," said Manila, with a laugh, "But I don't even care, I love you."

"I love you too," replied Raja, holding her safe in her arms. The yearning was over.

True joy and contentment settled somewhere in Raja's chest, right next to her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :)


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